Monday, August 07, 2006

Old Habits Die Hard

I'm sure that I am not the only one who thinks that they have overcome a bad habit, only to find that it is facing them once again. When I went to FL, things really changed for me (other than the obvious), and I found that I really liked the fact that I was exercising regularly, but there was no guilt involved if I didn't. I was also eating appropriatly, if I went out to dinner it was a long evening, where I really enjoyed the food and the company, if I stayed in it was healthy fare. Now I'm back "home" and I'm finding that I'm reverting to the old habits as 1.) I'm lonely and bored 2.) I lack motivation and 3.) My old routine is gone and I'm left with randomness that I don't enjoy.

I am not training for the marathon as I should be. I'm so frustrated by all of this, and I need to just get over myself, my sadness and my laziness and just do it. This was my goal for so long-to finish the MCM and I'm just not trying. Its like I want to prove that I can't do it because I am so depressed and hurting without Marc. Its ridiculous-so many people would say "I'm going to prove that I don't need him, his training tips, his company; I'm going to do this on my own." I just don't want to. He was my better half, he kept me grounded and I find myself just lonely out there. I'm sure if he reads this he'll laugh because I loved running alone and didn't actually like running with him. This is true. I liked to be by myself when running and then regroup with him at the end in the satisfaction of our accomplishments. The alone time was the only time away from him-now that is all that I have.

As for the eating. I'm just so damned bored. I am doing fine on my weight, but I've definitely gained a little since my starving post-Florida physique. I bet if I just ran most of my problems would go away, but I also find I'm snacking on candy and sweets all day (re: I have 4 cavities that I'm getting filled on Wednesday) and that just isn't helping.

Argh, I need some motivation. A friend suggested that the motivation be that I eventually have to get back out in the dating scene and it would help if I looked good for that. That makes me want to eat even more because I don't want the dating scene. Ever. I am looking forward to a life of spinsterhood, so I better just eat up and plop down on the couch.


Sarah said...

Don't stress so much about the marathon. You've been through a lot, so if you have to put it off for another year, it's not the end of the world! That being said, though, it may be cool for you to get out and just try small runs. Running is a great mood boost, and somewhere along the way you may remember why you enjoyed running alone in the first place...