Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I Wish My Mom Could Hug Me

I'm having some trouble taking full breaths right now because of the tightness and pain that I am currently holding in (ok, the tears are streaming down my face, but I refuse to scream as I am at my desk at work) from the phone conversation I recently had.

As I thoroughly enjoy torturing myself, I called Marc today because I saw him yesterday and felt uncomfortable with the way I left him at the gym. To all my friends: You were right, it only hurts to call him and he isn't making me feel any better or helping me to work through this pain. To all his family: You were right, Marc and I shouldn't be together, our six years weren't worth a crap and I quote Marc "I put way more into the relationship than I ever got out of it". That's just glorious isn't it? I hope everyone is just so happy that it went to crap. Now Marc can "swim to safety" with the assistance of his lifeguard team (oy) and I can move on with my life as well. Or at least attempt to stop holding on to the memories that brought me so much joy (and pain) over the last several years.

I made a big mistake in Florida. Multiple mistakes in fact. Marc says that I can't call what I did a "mistake". He says that I intentionally went out to ruin the wedding and to get it all called off because I was unsure, so I can't call it a mistake. Here's the definition-I think what I did was a mistake, or series of mistakes.

mis·take (noun)
1. An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness.
2. A misconception or misunderstanding.

I'm writing this so it can become painfully clear to the world (actually I'm sure everyone else has seen it for so long) that Marc has no intention of ever forgiving my mistakes and that I am not worth the time to try to rebuild a realtionship together. I'm just not worth it to him. He's been "trying for 6 years". Complaceny isn't trying. If he wasn't happy, why did he ask me to marry him? Why did he buy me the most beautiful ring in the world and surprise me? I'm actually asking myself these questions because these are the doubts that I had in Florida. I doubted his love for me, I figured that I had forced it all, that I didn't actually deserve this man to love me, that I wasn't good enough for him. I've always been one for self-fulfilling prophecy, so I guess I went for it. I proved that I wasn't deserving of his love. I proved that I did need more attention than he was willing to give me because I felt abandoned down in Florida, as he was unwilling to come and visit despite my willingness to pay.

So I made some terrible mistakes. But apparently we were both so unhappy in the relationship that it turned out to be the best. So his family should thank me for saving them for the horrible divorce that naturally would have ensued as I wasn't worthy of their golden boy. So many of my friends are disappointed-they know how much I love Marc and many of them felt that we were a good match. I guess we were all wrong. I know that if the tables were turned that I wouldn't be happy, and I'm sure that there would be a ton of tears, but I wouldn't give up on Marc, even though I too felt I put way more into the relationship than I got out of it. Can we both be right?

I guess at the very least we helped the divorce rate. Marc was willing to give us a try, but I guess I just couldn't handle the risk. (despite me telling Marc that everything would be ok)

I could just die though, reading our blogs, looking at our wedding book, seeing my beautiful wedding dress-I loved that man with my whole heart and gave him everything I had to give. Emotional wrecks just don't have a lot of good to give.

I've got to stop wallowing. Its become painfully clear that there is no hope and as much as it kills me I've got to stop banging my head up against this brick wall because it HURTS.


Missy said...

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you...and my heart is with you, even though it has been a zillion years since I last saw you. Keep your chin up.


~L~ said...

I avoided a guy like that once, his family was horrid, they could have made Miss America look like a hooker out to ruin their perfect son......count your blessing hun!!!