Thursday, August 03, 2006

Judge Not

I'd like to put a little something "out there". I've been hearing about what I did, and why I did it, and what I said after all this crap happened while I was in Florida, and all the things I said are being used against me now to talk about what a liar I am. Do liars tell the truth, when everything they want is on the line? NO stupid, they don't. (I'll answer that one for you.)

As for my motives for what happened in Florida. I proposed a couple when I first got home. 1.) Maybe I didn't want to get married in front of a bunch of people that didn't support us anyway (we know who they are-they are the ones that are being super nice now) , 2.) Maybe I wanted an out from the wedding and couldn't see another way, 3.) Maybe I'm just that stupid, 4.) Maybe I wanted something irreversible that couldn't be taken back and I'd play Marc's hand. Was it a conscious decision? How the hell do I know? DO YOU THINK I KNOW? DO YOU THINK THAT I EVEN KNOW NOW? It's amazing to me that conversations are had that come to explain why I "did what I did" and that everyone says "well, she said this, but then she said this". Is it not painfully clear that I was confused? Is it not clear that I am still confused because I want to be with someone who doesn't give me the time of day and barely thought I was worth the effort (to those I told the story it turns out "he figured it would work out ok but that it would be pretty hard, but he was willing" which isn't much better than "it was worth a shot". )

I guess everything does happen for a reason. I wasn't supposed to marry a man who didn't think that I was worth it. I wasn't supposed to marry a man that I made so unhappy and in turn, he made me unhappy a lot of the time. Both Marc and I are supposed to be with people that make us better, that make us whole, not that break us down and offer insecurity. I thought that even after all the crap that Marc and I had been through that we could do that for each other. I really wanted to be the wife that he deserves, I thought that I could be, I guess I was wrong. I couldn't control my fear and emotions for 8 weeks. I did need his support to get through that time, and even though he offered it, it wasn't enough for me. I'm so sorry for that. I needed more. I needed reassurance that I wasn't the only one that had faith in us, and tonight I found out that I was right. That I was the one who had to take all the responsibility when the shit came flying down.

Hopefully I'll be smart enough to take this down before too many people read it, but at the same time, I don't care.

I loved Marc, I love him, and I wish I could take back all the pain that I have caused him over the years. And I wish that I could have a lot of the pain that he caused me taken back as well. I wish I'd never spoken a harsh word, or heard one myself. I love that man with all my heart...but my heart isn't enough, and his isn't enough for mine. And that really makes me sad. Because I have always loved him with my whole heart and soul; as screwed up as they were, I gave them ALL to him.