Sunday, August 20, 2006

Get That Dirt Off Your Shoulder

I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and moving on. The last horse is finally crossing the finish line.

I regret the way all the events of the past few months have played out, but I am not regretful of their outcome. I have been fighting that feeling for weeks. I know that I love someone very deeply and despite all the shit that I drug him through, I don't deserve to be treated the way that I'm being treated now. I am a person who loved so deeply with all her heart and soul for 6 years...and I gave up trying to win the love of someone who didn't want to give it to me. I guess if I've learned something in all of this I've learned that I need someone who loves me for me, and I need to be with someone whom I can make happy by being myself and building them up without breaking myself down. (as well as building myself up, without breaking them down)

I am a good person. I don't always make the best decisions, but I try. I use my head and my heart and sometimes its wrong. I don't cook very well. I don't control my eating if I have junk food in the house, I don't exercise as often as I should. I am messy as sin and I have dryer sheets all over any place that I live. And you know what? In the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter at all. I am funny, smart, beautiful, charming, playful, romantic, a good listener, a great friend, silly, and serious when need be (hopefully not often, that's a big stretch for me). I love with my whole heart and I don't hold anything back, and its been worth the burn.

So I'm done hanging my tail between my legs. I made a huge mistake, I screwed up royally. But at the end of the day, I have learned that I deserve to be happy being who I am and not trying to hide myself. I AM GOOD. GOOD FOR ME and maybe someday, good for someone else. I wish that for everyone. That they find some happiness in themselves and then maybe find someone that can share that happiness with them.

I know that I am rambling, but I am sick and tired of beating myself up. Its not helping me. I don't feel better hiding my head in front of old "friends" when I see them in public. Keep judging me. Ye without sin.

I wish it hadn't played out like this, and I do truly apologize. My sorries are over, my remorse will last forever, but I am done killing myself over this. I have been a shell of a person for 3 months now because of my actions. And I'm not going to let them kill me. I know I'm better than that.

Thanks for letting me rant. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. I AM WORTH IT!


~L~ said...

YAY :)

Sarah said...

Good for you! You DO deserve to be happy! :-)

Missy said...

I agree! :)

Ryan said...

Well, if that doesn't sound like something I should have been saying for the last couple months!!

As someone I deeply respect put it, "look at this time in [your life] as a time for you to embrace all sorts of newness in your life and be open to the possibilities that it affords you."