Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It's Been a Week...

and I'm still upset. Last Tuesday I got home from work and decided to watch a movie. I chose The Wicker Man, which has to be the worst movie I've ever seen. It was so terrible and so ridiculous that I kept asking myself it the actors (Nicholas Cage, Ellen Burstyn) were laughing when they were trying to say their lines. TERRIBLE TERRIBLE FILM! I could go into it so much more, but I am trying not to dwell on it...but it sucked!

Other than that complete waste of time, I've had a pretty good week. I finished my grad school classes for the semester (early, because I'm going on travel for 3 weeks), spent some time with good friends, started my exercise routine up again, ate some delicious steak that Mircea made, and started reading Harry Potter. I wanted to take good old "Larry" (as Mircea called him this morning) on my trip, but it was too tempting to wait so I'm trying to slowly read it. I borrowed some books from Marc ages ago and will take those on the trip too because I'm sure it will be boring.

Life is just generally better right now, and I don't think it's all my happy medicine. I don't take much (5 mg) and all it really seems to help me with is not dwelling on things. Mood elevators sure are nice and now everything seems to be within my reach.

I hope everyone out there has a great week and I just want to let you know that I appreciate your friendship. I'm learning to count my blessings and I can't seem to count that high!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I Made Sushi (And I Lived to Tell About It)

Mircea and I are obsessed with sushi. OBSESSED. So naturally we eat a whole lot of it. We're not even picky. We like it all. The fancy restaurants, the market, hell, if someone was selling it on the street we'd probably buy it. So we started to make our own, and if I may say, it's at the very least, grocery store quality. I sort of have a knack for this thing. I bought my little "sushi deluxe" kit on Amazon, and it's awesome. Great book with lots of tricks and recipes, as well as some pretty nice little chopsticks with rests and some other stuff. The only thing I still need is a rice paddle, and I'll get that soon enough (I haven't had time to go back to the Asian market). I want to take a picture of it sometime because I think it is beautiful and it sure is tasty. I did have a Wasabi incident though and Mircea and I almost died, but other than that it was great. I made tuna rolls on Sunday and I'm making salmon rolls tonight. We'll probably die of mercury poisoning, but it's a risk we're willing to take!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Not Falling Back Into the Past

I had a rough couple of days there, where I really hit rock bottom and felt like there was not hope for the future. Not about me and Mircea, but just in general, I felt like my life was so overwhelming and I couldn't handle it. Well, it is so overwhelming, but I CAN handle it. I'm really making an effort on not being so hard on myself. Not judging myself constantly and rehashing all my transgressions in my life. Day 3 and it's already quite liberating. I also read a book which really enlightened me and I hope to really adopt those ideas because I feel they will make my life so much more livable.

I read, The Four Agreements, and the first 16 pages of it blew my mind. It was so simple, it was so obvious, yet, so hard to grasp sometimes. I think that everyone should read it (happy or not) because it really speaks a lot to human nature and how to interact with others. I don't want to go too much into it unless someone has some questions, because I don't want to seem like preachy-preacherton, but let's just say the book talks a lot about setting ourselves free from our own judgement and realizing that each day is ours. Simple stuff right? It blew my freakin' mind.

This past year has been such a journey for me. There are times when I've felt so low, times I felt so high, times that I thought I'd never get through this, and times when I didn't want to, I just wanted to stay in the moment. I'm a late bloomer on this whole "grown-up" thing and I have a long way to go, but nothing in the past year hasn't made me stronger and I've learned so much about myself and the journey I want to take for my life.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Anyone But 24

While driving to work today I was noticing a lot of interesting bumper stickers. I mean really, it was like "Bumper Sticker" day, and I was noticing them all. Once I got on base, the one I saw that really made me think was the "Anyone but 24" bumper sticker, that I've not found out supports the Fans Against Gordon site. This big ol' truck went so far as to have a sticker that was a picture of a screw with a 24 over it. It seems that these people don't care who wins, as long as it isn't Jeff Gordon (who is hot, but cocky as hell). I was really surprised that there wasn't a Calvin peeing on 24 on this guy's truck, but hey, he's got class right? Ok, so this is interesting enough, but the part that cracked me up is when we got to a traffic light and another red truck pulls up behind him. This truck is LOADED with Jeff Gordon bumper stickers, and this guy is a supporter. I can't imagine the guy in the back truck, just fuming over the animosity towards his beloved Gordon. I actually looked over at him in his truck and I could see him shaking his head at the car in front of him. I had to laugh. The moral of the story: Nascar is lame. HA! I'm just being a meanie.

Oh the Places I have Been

Where Have You Been?

Hopefully I will get to travel some more for work, but at this point, I think I've been most places that we've have Naval bases, so the odds of me expanding my domestic travels for work are slim. Hopefully soon I'll be able to add some countries to this!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Sometimes the right words just come to you when you need them. From my Daily Motivator site for 10 July.

Take care of you

First, take good care of yourself. When you do, there is no limit to the value you can create for all the other people in your life and your world.

Begin each day by being good to yourself. When you are the best you can be, that's when you have the most to give.

Find the real joy that lives in each moment, and allow yourself to be filled with it. Your joyful approach to life can make a world of positive difference for everyone around you.

Find and fulfill those things that bring you enjoyment and real satisfaction. It is in those things that you can bring great value to the world.

There's a reason why it feels so good to feel good. It encourages you to do what you do best.

Be good to you, and you'll become a more interesting, creative and productive person. Be good to you, and you'll have what it takes to truly make a difference in the lives of others.

-- Ralph Marston

Monday, July 09, 2007

I guess we'll see how this goes. I have calmed down a little and I'm not looking at this from such a fatalist perspective. Mircea and I both knew that we were taking things fast by moving in together so quickly, but we had such strong feelings for each other and felt like things were right. I'm not sure that moving out is really going to solve a problem with him, but I guess it will solve the problem of two people who shouldn't be together living together.

I know I was jumping in with both feet and I knew it could hurt, but things were so great before I started letting my low self-esteem and negative self-talk convince me that he didn't really love me and that I wasn't good enough for him.

I'm so sad that I blew it. I will miss being with him so much. I loved pulling up to our little house on the dirt road and seeing him out working in the yard all sweaty and sweet. He was my home. I guess I need to be my own home.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Put Me Out of My Misery

Just a quickly as we decided to move in together, I'm moving out of Mircea's house. We just can't get along within these 4 walls, but although we haven't made it "official", this is the end of our relationship too because how can it not be?

I loved him so much. Too quickly, but I fell for him like I've never fallen before. He treated me like a Queen, he showed me a world I never knew was possible, but this, like every relationship I'm in, fell apart because I can't stand myself. I'm so insecure, and so unsure of every move I make in life, that I fall to pieces, especially when there is someone to "perform" for.

Oh my gosh, I miss him already. I haven't even left yet, but my heart is in 1000 pieces and I know that I've lost something wonderful. Hopefully I'll gain some perspective and gain some confidence in myself and stop looking to a man to fulfill my life.

Why must my summers be so miserable? Why must every day of my life be such a challenge? I don't want to leave here because I fear that taking this step back means will never go forward again. I just want to be happy. Somehow I guess that makes sense in my head that I meet a man, we fall in love, we get married and have a family. All I want in the world is to have a family and raise happy children. Ugh.

I'm moving out the second week of August, so I'll let you know about the new place. It's the cottage next to my old one, and it's three bedrooms, 1 1/2 baths and much nicer than the old place. That's something at least!