What Do You Want?

What do you want? And what are you actually doing about it?
Whatever things you are actively working toward are the things you truly want. Anything else is what you merely say you want.
As each day unfolds, you use your time, energy, creativity and resources to bring certain things to reality. Those are the things you truly desire.
You can, of course, reconsider, re-prioritize, add to and subtract from what you want. Yet the fact remains that whatever you really want is clearly evidenced by what you commit the whole of yourself to.
And so it is also true that whatever you sincerely want, you will have, you will achieve, you will become. Nothing can stand in your way when you have focused all that you are on a particular set of objectives.
So choose with care those things you truly want. For your life is always making them real.
-- Ralph Marston

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Oh Mr. Marston, you dare ask what I want. I'm working on it.

Dear Dell

Dear Dell,
You've pissed me off beyond belief. I have spent hours on the phone for one simple, tiny little item. All I wanted to do was change my shipping address. That's it. Nothing big. I've spent a total of 2 hours trying to get it taken care of, only to call UPS to find out that you didn't take care of it. I said my address so many times to your customer service representatives. I even yelled at the top of my lungs in the my workplace "NAVY.MIL. NAVY, you know, the ships in the sea. MIL, as in Military. Yeah, yeah, I'll spell it NAVY. No N. N. NANCY. N. Yeah, whatever, Mavy.nil." I wouldn't have had to even yell about the Navy is she would have just understood PurdueKate...but no no, I was Pretty Kate, and while I was ok with that, it didn't really help me get my computer any faster. Then my co-worker was like "why don't you just go home this afternoon and sign for it?" Oh yeah, because I'm such a slacker that sort of appeals to me. So then I call UPS back and now they don't know if they can get it on the truck. So shutup Dell. I hate you.

Kate

You may be asking "why don't you just go up to UPS and pick it up?" Because its over an hour away and since I came back from California I haven't left the county. So let's see if I ever get my computer. I don't have time to play with it as I am still trying to get caught up on grad school work (I don't have the books so I'm sort of spinning my wheels there) as well as clean up my place for the par-tay this weekend. Which is will probably rain.

Yeah, I'm in a foul mood. Who's asking? I'm sick and tired of all this crap. I'm sick of trying really hard to be happy and get my life in order. I'm sick and tired of feeling so sad inside and missing those that I love so dearly. I'm sick and tired of pretending that I don't just want to give up. I want to be happy. I know it takes work. I'm working on it darnit. It just sucks!

Sorry for whining.

Tuesday

I don't really have a point to this writing, but sometimes I feel this is the only way I get human contact in a day. Even though I don't really, it just helps me to feel a little less lonely.

Work is going really well. I think I might have actually found something that I am interested in and that makes me super happy. I'm finally appreciated in a position too and not treated like a coffee bitch.

Grad school starts this week. My books still aren't here but hopefully that will remedy itself in the next day as I have quite a load of homework due on Thursday night.

I'm also meeting this week with a friend who has a tutoring business and I'm looking to maybe help out with that. I figured I could probably do things like English and writing as those were my better subjects in high school. Ahhh, creative writing. That was a fun one once I realized that no one was judging me for my crazy thoughts.

My book club book for this month is Saving Fish From Drowning, by Amy Tan. I'm not very far into it but we'll see. I'm starting to wonder if its only popular because of the author. I do want to put a quote from the book in here though because I thought it was very interesting.

A pious man explained to his followers: It is evil to take lives and noble to
save them. Each day I pledge to save a hundred lives. I drop my net in the lake
and scoop out a hundred fishes. I place the fishes on the bank, where they flop
and twirl. "Don't be scared," I tell those fishes. "I am saving you from
drowning." Soon enough, the fishes grow calm and lie still. Yet, sad to say, I
am always too late. The fishes expire. And because it is evil to waste anything,
I take those dead fishes to market and I sell them for a good price. With the
money I receive, I buy more nets so I can save more fishes.

I just thought that was very interesting. Or maybe it was really late when I read it.

Tonight I have a 4 mile run and then hopefully some more Monopoly with Ryan. We'll see though-I think he's wounded b/c I kicked his tail last night!

Habit 1: Be Proactive

For the next 7 weeks as part of my coursework, I am carefully studying each of the 7 Habits. I know I sound like a cult member and I guess maybe I am. None of this is anything more than common sense, but sometimes we are all lacking in that. I know that I have been.

The first Habit is about being proactive. Being "proactive" means taking responsibility for everything in life, rather than blaming other people and circumstances for obstacles or problems. One of my favorite pieces about this habit is that although we may not be able to control what life throws at us or what others say to us, we always have control over how we react to this. This is a very important lesson for me, as I often feel powerless to things going on around me and feel that my "hand" is already being played.

Habit 1 is going to be a challenge for me as I am required to change my negative thinking and realize that I do have control over myself, my happiness and my destiny. So many of the issues I have had in the past are based on feelings that I had in reaction to the behavior or words of others. I "let" people bother me, even when they weren't trying to, and put a ton of stock in the thoughts and feelings of others. I'm not going to do that anymore. I wasted so much of my life being negative, feeling bad inside, and being afraid of the world. I won't do it anymore. I'm in charge of everything that happens to me. I can always choose how to react and how to respond to something. That is so very liberating. I realize it is "common sense" but it isn't always an easy thing to do.

I've got my lifeguard taken care of, but thanks for offering your kind, self-less services.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Kate

I have just completed an event that, if I use it correctly, can be a catalyst for a much needed change in my life. I completed the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People class, which is presented by the Franklin Covey Company. The Navy offered this course at no charge to me, and it was just fantastic. First of all, I’d like to suggest that anyone who has not read the book, to pick it up and read it. If you’re too cheap/poor, let me know and I will buy it for you and mail it to you (you think I’m kidding?) If you have read the book and have not taken a course in the fundamentals of the 7 Habits, I greatly suggest it. All I can say is, if I had taken this course and really invited the Habits into my heart and life, I would NOT be in the situation I am currently in. I would have had a much clearer picture of my needs as well as my priorities in life, and I certainly wouldn’t have acted the “fool” that I did (nor let the stress of my situation cause me to go “insane”). I’d like to explain that I am not going to be able to give the whole synopsis of the course. I’m going to discuss a couple of things that I took as “highly important” and like I said, read the freakin’ book. Its great!

First of all, I greatly enjoyed that the first component of the course/book is to focus on your inner self before you can even begin to work with others. That is so important, and I’ve only recently realized that, despite years of being told you must be whole within before you can think to take on anything else. One of the first things that is suggested in the Habits, is where you have control and influence in your life. This is a big one for me, because I often waste a ton of time trying to control things that are out of my control as well as worrying about things that have already happened that I can’t change the outcome of.

The second thing that really affected me was the need to make a personal Mission Statement. This is genius to me: I love the idea and I’ve started my rough draft of one today in class, and intend on fine-tuning it. It’s amazing to write down all your values, goals, and what you want in your life. I have never taken the time to think about it. I guess I’ve always though “I want to be successful” or “I want to be happy” but never really put it all out there so I could very quickly go to it in my mind when decision making (see how this would have helped me a lot?)

The last thing I feel like mentioning in this blog is The Big Rocks in life. These Big Rocks are the things that matter most to us and we need to put those things in our life first before we put in the other stuff that takes up our time. For example, I’d put in big rocks like “graduate school work” before I put in little stones like “shaving my legs” (Ok, that was a poor example, but you get the point.) There are so many things that we have in our lives that are Urgent, but those things aren’t always important. Its kind of funny, I was in the class today as we looked at this matrix and I realized that the worrying I was doing about something as stupid as place cards at the wedding were so urgent, yet so unimportant. Life would have gone on, and I made it so important that I forgot to look at the things that were really important to me, etc.

Ok, I’ve blathered on enough about this, at least for the moment. There is some accountability for this class and my friend Lainie is going to be my accountability partner for this course. We have a week on each of the Habits to engrain them into a part of our daily lives and then we discuss how we’ve done it and helping others to do the same thing. I’m sure I sound like I’m in some crazy cult. But here’s the thing…maybe I am a little brainwashed that this is some great plan, but this plan is something that I can see really helping me find what I want in life and I’m at point right now where I really need to work with some clear goals and a direction. I’m free. I don’t have to worry about anyone else. Now, its not as though my relationships have ever forced me to worry about them, but there is a certain obligation to a romantic partner to take their thoughts and desires into consideration. I am free to move wherever I wish, pursue any career I wish to, and not have the consequences effect anyone else. Now I certainly preferred the other sitatuation, this is what I am doing to make the best of my situation.

Ok, enough crazy talk, but I guarantee I’ll keep you updated. As for anyone that works for the Gov’t and has access to SAP, sign up for this class. If you need help, let me know and I will help you because it is free and you get a great training program, a copy of the book, and a FREE FRANKLIN COVEY PLANNER, which is pretty sweet! (I have one that Marc got me for Christmas, but this one goes through June of 2007 so I’ll at least have 6 months free!)

Thanks for letting me share. I can't get the pictures to load and hopefully I'll have them up at some point too!

Jibbs & Ms. New Booty

Ok, so while I was in Florida I picked up the nickname Jibbs because I always managed to spit out the truth about something I was supposed to lie about. Or at least not tell the person. I never realized that I was "jibbing" as it was later named, but I was on iTunes and saw that there was a rapper named Jibbs. Well, I'm sorry sir (and I use the term "sir" loosely) but that is my nickname and no, my chain does not hang low. Here a link to the video for this stupid song.

I also got another nickname, only because I kept inquiring about the video for this song because I had heard it was funny. Ms. New Booty. Which has to be another stupid song. But the video is pretty funny and I actually get drunk calls every weekend from AMO friends going "they're playing your song". Enjoy the video.

Amen My Brother

What's done

What's done is done. The time and energy you spend complaining about it will get you nothing but a lot of frustration and negativity.
What's happened has happened. Instead of looking back, fretting and arguing about why or how or who is at fault, look forward and consider all the positive possibilities that are available to you.
If you've been wronged, don't seek revenge. Seek success, seek achievement, seek fulfillment, seek to take what has happened and turn it into a positive force in your life.
Spend your time and energy not in looking back, but in looking ahead. For that is where you can make a difference.
Learn from what has happened, allow it to inspire and motivate you in a positive way, and then choose to move forward. See the value in the way things are at this moment, and see how you can make full use of that value.
Let go of your attachment to what has already happened. And make room in your life to create the very best that can be.
-- Ralph Marston
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Does anyone else find that the right words often come at the right time? I have been experiencing a life change in the past few weeks and I am just blindsided by it. I feel like I have been socked in the stomach, but its with love...it with acceptance, and love, and the knowledge that I am a good person and I need to make an effort to find happiness in my life. I have to wonder if all these things would have bombarded me had things worked out how Marc and I wanted them to. I am starting to believe that everything happens for a reason and I guess for me, this nightmare happened so I can finally concentrate on myself and find happiness within. I hope Marc is able to find something out of this. I wish I could have found all those things without hurting someone else in the process. I will share more on Thursday of what I have discovered this week-it has been eye-opening.

Quick Clarification

I'd like to clarify something, that I'm pretty sure most people understood initially but it is important that the message is received appropriatly. I DO deserve someone who thinks that I am wonderful. I am NOT saying that Marc never thought I was wonderful or that he is all wrong; far from that. What I am saying is that I realize that someone treating me as though I am a bright light in their world is something that I need in life and that I am good enough to receive such treatment; outside of the relationship that I had with Marc. I hope that makes sense because I am not mud-slinging him. I love him (still, of course) very much and wish that we had both taken the time to foster a positive relationship where we were both building each other up and not tearing the other down (or losing one's self in the process). I hope that clears things up.

Thought of the Day

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

My friend Lainie sends these to me and lately they seem to be particularly applicable. I'll take the pain, but I won't suffer anymore. Its only detracting from the love and friendship that was shared and its only preventing the scars from healing.

Get That Dirt Off Your Shoulder

I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and moving on. The last horse is finally crossing the finish line.

I regret the way all the events of the past few months have played out, but I am not regretful of their outcome. I have been fighting that feeling for weeks. I know that I love someone very deeply and despite all the shit that I drug him through, I don't deserve to be treated the way that I'm being treated now. I am a person who loved so deeply with all her heart and soul for 6 years...and I gave up trying to win the love of someone who didn't want to give it to me. I guess if I've learned something in all of this I've learned that I need someone who loves me for me, and I need to be with someone whom I can make happy by being myself and building them up without breaking myself down. (as well as building myself up, without breaking them down)

I am a good person. I don't always make the best decisions, but I try. I use my head and my heart and sometimes its wrong. I don't cook very well. I don't control my eating if I have junk food in the house, I don't exercise as often as I should. I am messy as sin and I have dryer sheets all over any place that I live. And you know what? In the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter at all. I am funny, smart, beautiful, charming, playful, romantic, a good listener, a great friend, silly, and serious when need be (hopefully not often, that's a big stretch for me). I love with my whole heart and I don't hold anything back, and its been worth the burn.

So I'm done hanging my tail between my legs. I made a huge mistake, I screwed up royally. But at the end of the day, I have learned that I deserve to be happy being who I am and not trying to hide myself. I AM GOOD. GOOD FOR ME and maybe someday, good for someone else. I wish that for everyone. That they find some happiness in themselves and then maybe find someone that can share that happiness with them.

I know that I am rambling, but I am sick and tired of beating myself up. Its not helping me. I don't feel better hiding my head in front of old "friends" when I see them in public. Keep judging me. Ye without sin.

I wish it hadn't played out like this, and I do truly apologize. My sorries are over, my remorse will last forever, but I am done killing myself over this. I have been a shell of a person for 3 months now because of my actions. And I'm not going to let them kill me. I know I'm better than that.

Thanks for letting me rant. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. I AM WORTH IT!

Amen to This

For the Best

Something did not turn out the way you wanted.
And maybe, it was for the best.
Disappointments and setbacks can have a way of becoming positive turning points.
When something does not work out, it makes room for other possibilities.

Be careful not to attach your sense of fulfillment too tightly to specific outcomes and circumstances. For there are far more possibilities than you have yet imagined.

Whether the last few days have seen you move forward or fall back, new doors have most certainly been opened by whatever has happened. Choose now to focus on the most promising of your current options.

Go with the assumption that whatever happens is for the best. And you'll find a way to make it so.

-- Ralph Marston

Update

I'd like to mention that I'm a lazy sack of crap. But the lawn is mowed and chores are done. And I ran like a quarter mile to test out my new shorts (they're pretty sweet).

I'm updating because Laura was on my blog and didn't know the Uhn Tiss song, so she looked up the video. Here 'tis. And then a wonderful mockery. Man, I love that song.

I'm Quite Offended Thank You

I'm pretty highly offended right now about my precious Runner's World magazine. I was reading the August issue in the Q & A Ask the Experts section. The person asked the question "As a heavyweight runner, should I train differently than the skinny crowd?" Perfectly valid question. The answer discusses the standard answers of "yes, its harder on your joints, etc." But this is what they referred to the people in this "heavy" group as. Clydesdales and Athenas. In order to qualify as a Clydesdale, you are a man over 200 lbs. To qualify as an Athena, you must weigh in at 150 lbs. Although I'm under that weight, I don't think that its "heavy", but then I guess it could be heavy on a runner's physique (which I don't have), but I'm 5'7" and I expect to weigh more based on my height...are all the tall people of the world just big fat fatties now? Well, I guess not. I looked up the story of Athena (other than the obvious Athens connection I had no idea) and it appears that she was "born" fully grown and carrying armor. I then looked up "Athena Runner" on Google and got this. This makes me feel a little better as it appears there is some sort of "force to be reckoned with"and have special races.

I just didn't like it. If anyone has any insight or understands this better than I do, please let me know. I might just be angry out of ignorance on the whole thing.

That damned Athena thing upset me this morning because I've also decided I need to go back on Weight Watchers. Not pay for it, but just follow it again. I'd like to lose about 20 more lbs. But I'm not going to be crazy about it. Just try to eat a little more healthfully, since I've been a stressed out little "athena" lately.

Get Out of My Head and Into My Bed!

Ok, such a dorky quote, but I keep hollering that as I walk around my house because I've started enjoying some Sean Paul music, though I loosely call it music and I am not sure that I understand half the lyrics. I was super bored yesterday and I watched/listened to MTVHits, that has all these summer hit music videos on. I heard both "Give it Up to Me" and "We Be Burnin'" and I seriously like those songs. When I ran today I listened to them and they were both fairly good for the running. Though nothing beats Bloodhound Gangs "Uhn tiss Uhn tiss Uhn tiss".

Oh yeah, and I didn't mention that I am oddly attracted to this corn-rowed, pot smoking, unintelligable individual. Isn't that weird? I find him so oddly attractive. I think I need to get glasses or something (you know, I did get contacts but stopped wearing them awhile back. maybe today should be the day!) Wow, I'm ridiculous!

On a postive note, I want to make a formal annoucement that I, Katey Pooh, have a brain age of...21! I'm so fantastic. The best score you can get is a 20, and I was so close but made some crazy mistakes on the last little "connect the dots" game (as shown in the picture). Because I play the game religiously I also managed to unlock all the different games and some of them are hard!! I look forward to continuing my brain age training. Its so funny how addictive this little game is. On a positive note I'm learning my multiplication tables!

Tomorrow is the final presentation for the presentation skills class (I'll say it how I want to Patty-Hams!) I did the rough run through for the instructor today and she said that it was fantastic and that I didn't have to worry about tomorrow. Very funny as I didn't do a damned thing for it as I am a lazy gal and just watched the aformentioned MTV and enjoyed some Brain Age. Its like college all over again. I'm just dorking around when I'm supposed to do something, and yet it all works out in the end. Well, it usually works out in the end.

Still trying to decide on the camera and the computer. Patty brought up the point that I will just play the Sims all day with the new computer. However I'll also do some other stuff. Like fart around and not get my grad school work done (which starts in two weeks!) We'll see what happens!

Update:

I realized I made a typo and came to fix it...and guess what I'm watching? That's right, MTVHits. I am so lame.

This & That

Not much to report. On Saturday I had a pretty busy day that did not include running (shame on me) and then a "surprise" birthday party for my friend's 1 year old daughter (very long story but I basically brought the party to the house, and it was just me, my friend and her daughter, but it was a good cake and beer party!)

Sunday was a trip to Kings Dominion, which was pretty fun. I rode a lot of rides and got soaked on a couple of them and then felt like I was wearing a diaper the rest of the day, because I didn't bring a change of clothes because I am a.) forgetful and b.) lazy as sin.

I'm in a class this week so I'm having an interesting work week. I'm taking a presentation skills class and today was the first day. I did a little introductory presentation that was videotaped and then we all watched it later on the tv. Wow-I look a lot different than I think I do! For one, my hair is just crazy-I'm going to have to take a little better care in the morning. Two, I looked really heavy and I think it is because my clothes are just so baggy and big. Eww. I also hated my voice...I really need to work on my self-esteem. I have a little more confidence, well, a lot more in the recent months, but with that new confidence I didn't know what to do with the attention gained from it. So its sort of a double edged sword.

I'm very excited. I'm meeting Sarah tonight for the first time. We've "known" each other online for about a year, and I feel guilty saying that I've just been so busy in that year that I never made an effort to get together. I'm looking forward to our dinner and what I'm sure will be lively discussion. I'm also doing a book club tonight, so we'll see how that turns out.

Well, I had better get going to the library for the book club!

Suggestions Please!

I need some suggestions for some purchases I'd like to make in the coming weeks. Please leave me a comment with any ideas!

• Digital Camera: I'm looking for a good camera as I live in such a pretty place and need to take some nice photos of the area. Plus, I love to take photos of my sweet, sweet kitties. I'm looking for something that is least 4 megapixels (though more would be great) and I don't want to spend a ton of money. (we have the technology, but we don't to spend a lot of money)
• Computer: First of all, I'm trying to decide between a laptop and a desktop. I currently have a laptop that seems to be good for a couple of things...email and blogging. It doesn't have much "umph" to it. I am looking for something that has some sweet graphic capability as I love to play the Sims 2 and it seems to need a lot of power to get it going. I really don't know if I should get the laptop or desktop...I have room for either of them and its not like I can't live without the gaming capabilities when I travel for work (even for three months in San Diego...I bet I can find other things besides the computer to keep me busy, though it won't be surfing in January)
• Verizon cell phones: I will soon be getting a new cell phone plan and with that will come a new phone. Any thoughts?

I realize this is nutty that I'm asking for these opinions, but I'm just interested to know that people out in "blog land" think about these things. Doesn't blog land sound like a really boring amusement park? ( I wanted to call it Peter land, but blah blah-I'm ripe with Family Guy quotes this evening)

I must share the fun I've been having today. I saw a bald eagle and he/she was just hanging out near the dock by my house. I kind of felt peaceful having him watch over me while I was reading my book and crabbin' (I got two, not enough to even waste the time cooking so they got a reprieve). I also discovered VH1 Classic. They managed to play one of my favorite U2 songs (I will follow) as well as some wonderful Cure, Depeche Mode and They Might Be Giants Songs (shout out to Marc!) The song that really got me "rocking" was Constant Craving by K.D. Lang. Come on-who doesn't like that song? Its just fantabulous, and I don't care if no one agrees. I've always enjoyed it.

I'm also excited because as I am on a tv kick today (for no other reason than I can be) and I've decided to check out Fuse tv's Pants Off/Dance Off tonight at 10 pm. I saw a little bit of it on Best Week Ever while they were mocking it, but I just have a feeling that I will throughly enjoy it. I'll be sure to report how much fun it was. It better be fun or I'm going to be pissed.

I Wish My Mom Could Hug Me

I'm having some trouble taking full breaths right now because of the tightness and pain that I am currently holding in (ok, the tears are streaming down my face, but I refuse to scream as I am at my desk at work) from the phone conversation I recently had.

As I thoroughly enjoy torturing myself, I called Marc today because I saw him yesterday and felt uncomfortable with the way I left him at the gym. To all my friends: You were right, it only hurts to call him and he isn't making me feel any better or helping me to work through this pain. To all his family: You were right, Marc and I shouldn't be together, our six years weren't worth a crap and I quote Marc "I put way more into the relationship than I ever got out of it". That's just glorious isn't it? I hope everyone is just so happy that it went to crap. Now Marc can "swim to safety" with the assistance of his lifeguard team (oy) and I can move on with my life as well. Or at least attempt to stop holding on to the memories that brought me so much joy (and pain) over the last several years.

I made a big mistake in Florida. Multiple mistakes in fact. Marc says that I can't call what I did a "mistake". He says that I intentionally went out to ruin the wedding and to get it all called off because I was unsure, so I can't call it a mistake. Here's the definition-I think what I did was a mistake, or series of mistakes.

mis·take (noun)
1. An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness.
2. A misconception or misunderstanding.

I'm writing this so it can become painfully clear to the world (actually I'm sure everyone else has seen it for so long) that Marc has no intention of ever forgiving my mistakes and that I am not worth the time to try to rebuild a realtionship together. I'm just not worth it to him. He's been "trying for 6 years". Complaceny isn't trying. If he wasn't happy, why did he ask me to marry him? Why did he buy me the most beautiful ring in the world and surprise me? I'm actually asking myself these questions because these are the doubts that I had in Florida. I doubted his love for me, I figured that I had forced it all, that I didn't actually deserve this man to love me, that I wasn't good enough for him. I've always been one for self-fulfilling prophecy, so I guess I went for it. I proved that I wasn't deserving of his love. I proved that I did need more attention than he was willing to give me because I felt abandoned down in Florida, as he was unwilling to come and visit despite my willingness to pay.

So I made some terrible mistakes. But apparently we were both so unhappy in the relationship that it turned out to be the best. So his family should thank me for saving them for the horrible divorce that naturally would have ensued as I wasn't worthy of their golden boy. So many of my friends are disappointed-they know how much I love Marc and many of them felt that we were a good match. I guess we were all wrong. I know that if the tables were turned that I wouldn't be happy, and I'm sure that there would be a ton of tears, but I wouldn't give up on Marc, even though I too felt I put way more into the relationship than I got out of it. Can we both be right?

I guess at the very least we helped the divorce rate. Marc was willing to give us a try, but I guess I just couldn't handle the risk. (despite me telling Marc that everything would be ok)

I could just die though, reading our blogs, looking at our wedding book, seeing my beautiful wedding dress-I loved that man with my whole heart and gave him everything I had to give. Emotional wrecks just don't have a lot of good to give.

I've got to stop wallowing. Its become painfully clear that there is no hope and as much as it kills me I've got to stop banging my head up against this brick wall because it HURTS.

Old Habits Die Hard

I'm sure that I am not the only one who thinks that they have overcome a bad habit, only to find that it is facing them once again. When I went to FL, things really changed for me (other than the obvious), and I found that I really liked the fact that I was exercising regularly, but there was no guilt involved if I didn't. I was also eating appropriatly, if I went out to dinner it was a long evening, where I really enjoyed the food and the company, if I stayed in it was healthy fare. Now I'm back "home" and I'm finding that I'm reverting to the old habits as 1.) I'm lonely and bored 2.) I lack motivation and 3.) My old routine is gone and I'm left with randomness that I don't enjoy.

I am not training for the marathon as I should be. I'm so frustrated by all of this, and I need to just get over myself, my sadness and my laziness and just do it. This was my goal for so long-to finish the MCM and I'm just not trying. Its like I want to prove that I can't do it because I am so depressed and hurting without Marc. Its ridiculous-so many people would say "I'm going to prove that I don't need him, his training tips, his company; I'm going to do this on my own." I just don't want to. He was my better half, he kept me grounded and I find myself just lonely out there. I'm sure if he reads this he'll laugh because I loved running alone and didn't actually like running with him. This is true. I liked to be by myself when running and then regroup with him at the end in the satisfaction of our accomplishments. The alone time was the only time away from him-now that is all that I have.

As for the eating. I'm just so damned bored. I am doing fine on my weight, but I've definitely gained a little since my starving post-Florida physique. I bet if I just ran most of my problems would go away, but I also find I'm snacking on candy and sweets all day (re: I have 4 cavities that I'm getting filled on Wednesday) and that just isn't helping.

Argh, I need some motivation. A friend suggested that the motivation be that I eventually have to get back out in the dating scene and it would help if I looked good for that. That makes me want to eat even more because I don't want the dating scene. Ever. I am looking forward to a life of spinsterhood, so I better just eat up and plop down on the couch.

Quick Updates

• Went to the doctor today and had some tests run. Preliminary tests say that I am a-ok, but I'll find out the rest on Monday. I never thought I'd be living this life, that's for sure.
• I'm at work and there is no one here. I'm new enough on this job that I don't really have the capability to be self-sufficient. I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave early, and that sucks because I don't have anything to do anyway-except cleaning and who wants to do that? Yuck!
• Tomorrow I have a 7 mile run and a birthday party to go to. The party should be fun, the run will surely suck.
• Not much else going on. There's a big celebration down in St. Mary's City this weekend (the Govenor's Cup) and I might go to that with a couple of friends, but who knows? I'm not really into the big drinking to get drunk and farting around lifestyle (I had my fill in Florida and learned some valuable lessons)
• Hope you all have a nice weekend. Unless something stellar happens I probably won't be updating!

Give me just a second and I'll be alright

I gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta make it, gonna make, gonna make it through
I'm gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta take my, gotta take my mind off you

Give me just a second and I'll be all right
Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart
Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay
Just another day and then I'll hold you tight

When your love is pouring like the rain
I close my eyes and it's gone again
When will I get the chance to say I love you
I pretend that you're already mine
Then my heart ain't breaking every time
I look into your eyes



All I can say is that love sucks. I want every day to get better, but it doesn't. The pain isn't stopping, the hurt isn't stopping, the love hasn't stopped either. I wish that I could just let it all go and accept my fate, but I can't. I'm one of those people that just can't "get a clue" and see that the fat lady has sung.

Judge Not

I'd like to put a little something "out there". I've been hearing about what I did, and why I did it, and what I said after all this crap happened while I was in Florida, and all the things I said are being used against me now to talk about what a liar I am. Do liars tell the truth, when everything they want is on the line? NO stupid, they don't. (I'll answer that one for you.)

As for my motives for what happened in Florida. I proposed a couple when I first got home. 1.) Maybe I didn't want to get married in front of a bunch of people that didn't support us anyway (we know who they are-they are the ones that are being super nice now) , 2.) Maybe I wanted an out from the wedding and couldn't see another way, 3.) Maybe I'm just that stupid, 4.) Maybe I wanted something irreversible that couldn't be taken back and I'd play Marc's hand. Was it a conscious decision? How the hell do I know? DO YOU THINK I KNOW? DO YOU THINK THAT I EVEN KNOW NOW? It's amazing to me that conversations are had that come to explain why I "did what I did" and that everyone says "well, she said this, but then she said this". Is it not painfully clear that I was confused? Is it not clear that I am still confused because I want to be with someone who doesn't give me the time of day and barely thought I was worth the effort (to those I told the story it turns out "he figured it would work out ok but that it would be pretty hard, but he was willing" which isn't much better than "it was worth a shot". )

I guess everything does happen for a reason. I wasn't supposed to marry a man who didn't think that I was worth it. I wasn't supposed to marry a man that I made so unhappy and in turn, he made me unhappy a lot of the time. Both Marc and I are supposed to be with people that make us better, that make us whole, not that break us down and offer insecurity. I thought that even after all the crap that Marc and I had been through that we could do that for each other. I really wanted to be the wife that he deserves, I thought that I could be, I guess I was wrong. I couldn't control my fear and emotions for 8 weeks. I did need his support to get through that time, and even though he offered it, it wasn't enough for me. I'm so sorry for that. I needed more. I needed reassurance that I wasn't the only one that had faith in us, and tonight I found out that I was right. That I was the one who had to take all the responsibility when the shit came flying down.

Hopefully I'll be smart enough to take this down before too many people read it, but at the same time, I don't care.

I loved Marc, I love him, and I wish I could take back all the pain that I have caused him over the years. And I wish that I could have a lot of the pain that he caused me taken back as well. I wish I'd never spoken a harsh word, or heard one myself. I love that man with all my heart...but my heart isn't enough, and his isn't enough for mine. And that really makes me sad. Because I have always loved him with my whole heart and soul; as screwed up as they were, I gave them ALL to him.

The Joys of the Internet

Last night I was on MySpace (which I hate) and someone left one of my friends a comment that had a silly picture on it. I typed in the URL to the picture and found this marvelous site. Now, most of the cats look pretty happy so its kind of cute. Two of my other favorite sites are Kitten Wars and Cats in Sinks.

All those cats are great, right? Well, if anyone ever has countless hours to spend on the internet (uh, I do!) make sure to check out this website about Oolong, this sweet little rabbit whose owner took pictures of him with assorted wares on his head. Its not so much that the bunny is so cute with the stuff on his head, its how much this guy really loved this bunny. For Oolong's site you might want to use Babelfish to translate some of the stuff. (Note: this site is also fairly useful for creating your own Engrish.) The guy also has another rabbit on the same site (Yeubing) and that site is in English because of the popularity of Oolong.

Not much going on here with me. I stayed up super late last night Waiting for Guffman (well, it felt like that) and then fell sleep after eating a donut and ice cream. No more bad food! I'm feeling like a fatty though I haven't really gained weight, I just feel icky. I attempted my 5 miler last night, but it was so hot at the drill hall that I just did 3 and I'm going to do the 5 tonight at home since I finally found my wrist GPS. The heat here has been ridiculous and I'm just plain sick of it!

Watched a lot of tv while waiting for no one to ever show up. Watched a hilarious episode of South Park that had us rolling on the floor laughing. Then I was introduced to the mediocrity of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which I thought was semi-humorous, but it could have been that I was too tired. I finally realized what the lame music from a now defunct radio station (Z-104) was in the background during their less than humorous recap of the day. It was the damned CYE theme music (and the last horse finally crosses the finish line).

Alright, I've got to get to work.

Assorted Whatevers!

Ok, I'm going to the dentist today and I'll surely update you with how it went because a.) I hate the dentist because they always bitch at me and b.) they really have a reason to bitch at me this time because I have been an extra terrible flosser lately. I have a feeling that I have another cavity as well, and that just makes me super happy too!

Another thing to comment on. I found out yesterday that they will no longer be sending interns to AMO school. I was in the last class that went. How fantastic is that? I had to go to this school, though I wanted to stay home and be with my sweetie before the wedding and now its not even a requirement. That damned school changed my life completely-not what I wanted, though I acted in a way that says otherwise- and had I stalled to get out of it I would be a happily married woman right now, living out the dreams that I held onto for so long. ARGH!! I guess it goes back to "everything happens for a reason" and damned fate, but I'm still pretty pissed off. All signs pointed to "don't get married." I was just reading the wrong signs. Those signs were for someone else, not for me!

I'm thinking of taking a self defense class here on base. I had wanted to take one before I went to school but I couldn't get all the classes in before I had to leave. (wish I had!) I think it would be pretty beneficial.

I ran 3 miles last night and it was HOT. It wasn't so bad. Have a 5 miler tonight and then I'm going to stop by a softball game on the way home (its adjacent to the gym, otherwise I wouldn't even stop by) and then I need to get some reading done. I'm reading the book Wicked for a library book club and our meeting is in a week. I'm sure I can get it done, but I'd at least like to get started on it.

Ok, I'm off to the dentist for pain and suffering!

It's Tuesday!

I guess that's something to celebrate. I haven't done anything exciting, but I feel like typing this morning, so here you go you lucky readers, you. This is how freakin' boring my life is and you get to experience it.

I ate venison burgers yesterday. And on the way home the deer (that are always threatening me with their hefty car-denting bodies) were giving me dirty looks. They knew what I had done, and I'm a little fearful that they'll do a little payback to me on my run tonight.

I also played a little bit of tennis yesterday and then was nicely asked if I'd like to be a "judge" instead. Screw you too. I'm not very good at any sports (I was good at basketball as a kid because I was taller than everyone else) but man, making me a spectator after 10 minutes is a little rough. My job basically entailed stretching on the sidelines and getting eaten alive by bugs. Obviously I didn't enjoy this demotion and left after a couple of minutes.

I don't know if I've told anyone about my fun Nintendo DS game Brain Age. Marc bought it awhile back and then recently got me a copy. Its a fun little "train your brain" game and it evaluates how "old" your brain is. When I first started I was like 48 years old, and now I'm down to 23 years old (a score of 20 is the best-if my brain was at its best at 20 years old then we're in big trouble). It's a pretty fun game and it makes me feel pretty bright, so if anyone is ever super bored (and a fan of Nintendo) you should check it out.

Well, that's about it. Not a very exciting life that I am leading. Still need to steam clean my carpets, but I'm still a lazy son of a gun, so its not likely that it will happen super soon. We'll see though!