Friday, July 07, 2006

Taking Responsiblity for My Actions

I have no excuses for my actions. Well, that's not true, I have a hundred excuses, but none of them are valid. I made some huge mistakes in Florida and now I am living with the consequences. I know that Marc will never forgive me, nor will I ever forgive myself, and living with that is killing me.

In those moments in Florida, I wasn't thinking about Marc, or myself. I don't even know what I was thinking. I sure didn't enjoy myself...I think I knew all along that I was a pawn, or at least I figured it out very quickly. I think that I was just ignorant enough to believe the words that were said to me, the promises made. I couldn't have imagined someone taking advantage of me like that. It doesn't add up, but it has become painfully true. There were so many single girls down there, girls that I saw proposition this guy. But somehow he chose me, despite the urging of a friend of mine to just leave me alone. I had no idea what was going on and that this dude had a plan. I just knew that I was very nervous about the wedding, had feelings for someone that I didn't quite understand, and didn't know how I played into all of that. I think the only excuse for my behavior that is truly valid is that I am an idiot. I had no idea what was going on around me, had no idea how Marc really felt about me, had no idea how this other guy really felt, and was just sort of in a dream-like state. I actually have a lot of trouble with memories from that trip, and the choices that I made were very unlike myself. I don't know what the heck came over me, but it did.
I think that accepting that I made poor choices is the first step in recovering. I did some horrible things, though none were done with malice or intent to hurt. I really was leading a different, more glamorous life than my own, and I got totally caught up in it and forgot my priorities in life.

So here I am taking responsibility. I heard all the right words from someone and I jumped at the chance for happiness. I forgot that anyone can say any words that they want, but Marc and I had built up years of trust and acceptance for each other. I just made the wrong decision. At a crossroads, I turned the wrong way, and waved "bye bye" to all those things that have been important to me for so long. I screwed up, big time, and I am trying very hard to come to terms with that. It isn't Marc's fault because he didn't come down and visit me, I should have believed in the love that we had. It isn't the other guy's fault either. Despite the "crazy" he was feeding me, I should have been strong enough in my beliefs to pass up even the greatest opportunity.

I don't know how any of my loyal readers fell in love, but I seem to fall in love very quickly with little thought. With Marc I was lucky. We already had a wonderful established relationship and he came into my life with the right words at the right time, and I even had a dream about us being together (not that dreams should count, but I often look at them as fate pointing us in a direction.) Our love-relationship wasn't nearly as good as our friendship, I was much too emotional and possessive, I didn't understand what to do with my feelings. After years together we finally made the decision to make our relationship "official" and I was as happy as I have ever been, though I was still quite emotional. The same thing happened with the other guy, only on a much more accelerated pace. We had a friendly afternoon (his personality was that of Marc's but he doesn't hold a candle to Marc on his best day) and he said all the right things and I totally thought that maybe fate was telling me something, as I'd been dreaming about him the nights before (it was weird, all the things I had experienced with Marc had this guy's face in them instead-it was very upsetting). Its just a ridiculous pattern that I follow, only this time I got really burned and ended up falling for a guy who was totally worthless and hurting (as well as losing) a man who is wonderful. He's far from perfect, but he was mine, and I was his. And we shared a life together. Not a great life, but our life.

So today I sit here wishing that I hadn't made some crazy decisions and that I had gone with my gut instead of going on a whim. Going with my gut has often hurt me in the past, but going on a, that killed me. And has hurt me for my future as well.

So there it is. I did it. I messed up. And I have to live with and I am sorry that my idiocy and poor thought processes affected so many others. I never really thought my actions through, and I'm forever ashamed of those choices. I made the biggest mistakes of my life and now I'm paying for them.


~L~ said...

I don't know you, but I'm sure you need a hug. I can't imagine the last few weeks in your shoes.

Mistakes are inevitable, some are life changing, but all of them make us grow smarter and stronger if we let them.

Marc might be a great guy, and you miss him immensly now, but you posted that you were better friends than lovers. And if you really believe that, as much as it hurts to be alone or in a new unexpected situation, it's a situation for the better. I can tell from your blogging that you will be okay, you will jump back from all of this, and eventually you will be with someone that makes you quiver, and treats you better than the ass that helped cause some of the problem in the first place. *hug*

Sarah said...

Hugs from me, as well. I know it's hard to find the positive in some situations, but hopefully this will give you an opportunity to find out more about yourself as a person, and hopefully it'll make you stronger. You seem like an AMAZING person (though I've never actually met you!), and I have no doubt you'll come out on top.

Patty said...

Kate, I concur with the two above. You're in this state where you seem to "see" everything that you did and the repercussions of those actions. Memories can be tainted depending on what the person is going through. I think you're overcritical of what you've done because you're alone now. Print out this blog as you go or I will for you. In a couple of years, read it again. I guarantee it will make you smile (not because of what you've done, but because of your perspective on the situation will change).