Saturday, July 15, 2006

Out of Control

I'm out of control with my depression and sadness. It is consuming me. I've cried so many tears that I don't understand how there is any liquid left in my body. I feel so much pain in my heart...I've never felt anything like this before. I need an intervention. I need someone to hold me and help the pain pass. I need to find out how this ever happened, to find out how I was fool enough to get caught in this trap. The trap where I believed that my life isn't what I wanted and that I could be saved by something else. I WAS WRONG. Unfortunately my actions hurt others and they can't forgive me. Its so crazy. Marc was confident and sure about the wedding...and I was scared. Now I'm sure about my love for him, and he's running for the hills. We could NEVER get it together. We never seemed to be able to get ourselves on the same page. And surely we'll never be able to again.

I need to snap out of this. I'm hurting myself worse, I'm hurting Marc, and I need to get on with my life. I need to accept the fact that I ruined EVERYTHING. I had the clarity that I needed and that very day I threw it all away. I guess I didn't have the strength and confidence that I thought I did...

I read this post I did awhile ago...this is the day when Marc and I spent the entire day on the phone working through the issues we had and he had plans to come and visit me. And just several hours after this I sold my soul. Two little words could have saved everything that means anything to me. "GET OUT"