Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Reflections on Day One

Yesterday was a rough day. It was the first day that Marc and I were officially on our self-imposed "no contact" plan, and it was horribly painful. There's so much that I want to share with him-he is my life. He is my world, and there is no one that I'd rather share my ideas and feelings with and learn all about his.

I read his blog. He is upset that I think its not "fair" that he gets to live our lives that we had built. He's right, I'm sure its horrible for him. I only have the memories in my head, he has to look at the house, haunting him with memories of our relationship-when we painted the blue room knowing that it would someday be for our baby, and when we redid the floors in the living room, making our house more a home. I realize that my actions caused this, but I just don't know how I can live with these consequences. I sit alone at "home" at night with the girls just pacing around, knowing that they just want to see their Daddy, whom they both love so much. Little Fernie howls all night, its starting to sound like "Daaad? Daaad?" Its breaking my heart into a million pieces that one little tiny decision that I made in Florida, one split second when I had the choice between "stay" or "go", and I chose the wrong one, is the cause for all this heartache and pain. I have to stop dwelling on it. I have to accept the fact that I can't change that past and that Marc has given up on me forever. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I turned my back on the life I'd been working so hard with Marc to build. This will be a regret until the day that I die.

On a slightly more positive note (slightly), I had an appointment yesterday with the counselor that Marc and I used to see. He and I talked for quite some time and he said that he was actually very proud of me for taking the iniative to accept that I have flaws and weaknesses (my terribly insecurity and self-esteem) and that he commends me for trying to work on making them better. He told me he knows that this whole situation was a "perfect storm" and he knows that it would never happen again, but we obviously both respect the position that Marc is in. I betrayed his trust and I can only pray every minute of my life that someday I can build that back with him. I'm going to continue seeing the counselor in coming weeks and months because we already made some decent progress in one session.

I've been reading a lot of self help books. You can laugh if you want, but they really get you thinking about things sometimes. One that I am reading is "Love is Letting Go of Fear" and its a very interesting book about only letting Love into your life and not responding with Fear. It has me thinking about the way that I respond to the world around me, and I think that these are changes that I can make. I'm supposed to carry little reminder cards with me, but I haven't unpacked my notecards yet so I have to keep jotting the ideas down on scrap paper. One of the main ones was looking at how other people perceive you. Don't assume that they are against you. That is something that I often did, especially with Marc's friends. I thought they were judging me all the time and that I was inferior to them. The book asks you to squash those fears and only respond with Love. So if I think they are being jerks, just respond nicely, or assume that they are Fearful. I know it sounds a little "lame-o" but I think I get it. I was upset all last night because I talked to one of my friends from AMO school. I wasn't happy with our conversation and I started worrying about it. I read some more of the book and it helped me accept that I can't change the past, and I can't really do much about the future and that I have to live in right now. So I'm going to work on that. Right now I'm going to stop blogging b/c I am sure this is just blathering on and on.

I miss Marc. Not all of our stuff, or our house or our life. I just miss having my true companion by my side to live whatever life we chose for ourselves.


Sarah said...

I went through a counseling phase for a LONG time and read a lot of self-help books. My favorite was this book called "Feeling Good" by David Burns. I like it because it puts the responsibility in YOUR hands, and gives you specific things to do to help enhance your self-esteem. I'm glad you're going to counseling; hopefully it'll make this transition much easier for you.

Patty said...

Whatever helps you get through it.

I think your counselor will be better for you than a million of those books because they're not interactive, they don't know you.

How could anyone not like Katey Pooh? I still like you and you're a Republican. :)