The Adventures of Kate

I have had quite an eventful weekend. I mean seriously, for me, this has been a whirlwind weekend of adventures and stepping "outside the box". On Friday, I went on a boat trip out to "Shark Tooth Island" which I realize now was just named by my friend because that's where he goes to collect shark teeth. I found some really cool ones and made my friend jealous (and that's always good because he is super competitive!) On the way back to the boat (which we had anchored out a little way from shore) we both got stung by jelly fish, which caused me to panic beyond belief and almost drown in 5 feet of water. The jelly sting really hurt, but contrary to popular belief you do not need to pee on someone. You could if you wanted to, neither of us was willing, so we just tried our best not to scratch ourselves. On the way back we saw a sailboat for sale, and now I sort of have the "I should buy a boat" mentality. There is a lot of work that would have to go into this particular boat, but I think that might be kind of fun. It would be a lot of money too, and its not that I don't have a lot of money (I don't) its that even if I did have it I am so damned cheap you can hardly squeeze a penny out of me (unless it is for frivolous running apparel).

Saturday was pretty good. I decided that I wanted to go crabbing, so my friend Ed and I went to Wal-Mart and got the crabbing essentials (which are chicken necks, crab nets and a weird little line) and ventured out to the dock near my house. The first thing Ed did was drop his basket into the water, not attached to anything, so he got the first catch of the day...his own crab basket. I actually got the first crab catch of the day, and we wrangled that guy in. We'd made a bet at the beginning of the day... he guessed we'd catch 3 total, I guessed that we'd get 2, each caught by him. Well, we got about 15! We stopped simply because we figured we'd leave some for other people. We had to throw a couple back and Ed made me lose a couple (I try not to be bitter) with some crazy basket skills, but all in all we had a very successful day. We only used like 3 chicken necks the whole day, so my freezer has some icky packages of necks in it. Gross. Then we got to the bad part of crabbing.

We had to eat them now. Well that's a pain. We boiled them, though Bill later came over and said we should have steamed them, and then went through the ridiculously tedious task of eating them. So not worth it. So so so so not worth it. We actually caught too many crabs to eat and finally just threw them back in the water (we figured something would eat them) The one in the above picture (blue) was actually a "casualty of fishing" and he died in the barrel before we cooked him. Right after this picture he sprung back to life and he's actually on his second chance in the Potomac right now. He was ANGRY too. It was scary. All in all we had a good time and it was nice to do a Southern Maryland tradition.

This morning I also branched out a little bit. I went to church and it turned out to be a contemporary service. I'm very "traditional" in my churching...I like the standard hymns and the standard creeds and prayer-and I like it to be Lutheran. Well I went to a United Methodist Church (cause I can't seem to get away from them) and enjoyed a roving good time with a Christian band performing some fun songs. I had my mocking guns loaded, but I put them in the holster because it was actually a good time and I rescind previous comments that "The Methodists can't sing".

And did I get my 10 miler in? Of course not. I woke up at 5:30 this morning to run and it was dark so I rolled over to get a little more sleep and it was 8:45, and it would be too warm for the running by the time I was 5 miles from the house. I'm going to go on a short run tonight. I am in BIG TROUBLE for the Marathon. Its kind of hard to want to run it and train for it when I lost my training buddy. It was something we were doing together (though I had wanted it to be for me) and I can't seem to brush off and buck up and do it by myself. I'm going to have to get over that. I've got a lifetime ahead of me to run alone. But I'm pretty fun-so hopefully I can keep amusing myself!

Hope everyone else had a good weekend-mine was a blast!!! I'm an official Southern Marylander now. Sometimes you just have to embrace the hand you're dealt!

Semi-Interesting, Non-Sappy

I am in a non-sappy mood right now and would like to share some things. A lot of people ask me what I do for work and I have yet to find a good answer to that. I do a lot of different things and only do the same thing for 6 months at a time, but right now I'm working on a project that approves acquisition of programs for the Dept. of the Navy. Its kind of interesting because I get to learn a lot about the different aspects of each program. At the end of the assessments we go up to the Pentagon and brief the Secretary of the Navy...that should be pretty cool. I'm currently working on the assessment for the Fire Scout, which is this pretty sweet little UAV made by Northrup Grumman. That sweet little orb on the front of it is the other program that I'm working on which is called Brite Star. I think its pretty cool and I never realized that I was such a Navy nerd, but I am. I'm coming to turns.

Happy 27th Birthday to my friend Seanie Hams. I just got some good news from him. He and his fiancee are getting married on October 28th. I'm super excited for them both and wish them a lifetime of happiness together.

Don't have much exciting going on this weekend (my weekend starts at 5 tonight-hooray for compressed work schedules!) I'm (possibly) going to a softball game tonight, a movie tomorrow and a 10 mile run on Saturday. That's about it. Nothing too exciting, but at least I'm getting out a little bit.

I've got some plans for keeping myself busy too. Grad school starts up again soon (wish I hadn't taken the summer off for wedding planning-there'd probably be a wedding if I had) and I think I'm going to start volunteering my time at the Humane Society. I think that will be good for me. I also need to dig out my camera. There are so many beautiful scenes around my neck of the woods that I should be capturing somewhere besides my brain.

Life is Very Precious

Last night I definitely had the closest call of my life and it really freaked me out. I almost wish I had experienced this before my whole Florida disaster because I wouldn’t have had such a lapse in faith.

Last night I was running down my road that has a pretty decent shoulder. As I was running I noticed this van barreling down the road. No big deal, everyone speeds, and I kept watching him. Well he kept heading right for me; in fact, he swerved as though he was trying to hit me. I literally had to throw myself out of the way into an embankment and I looked over to see that his car was driving where I had just been standing. I saw the look on his face as he was coming at me: pure terror, as if he was thinking in his head “Holy shit, I’m going to kill a woman tonight”. It was pretty freaky and I was kind of pissed that he just drove off, but I think it was out of fear. There were skid marks on the road that I saw after I left. Scared the crap out me for sure, but the adrenaline fueled the rest of my run (I was only halfway through but what good did it do to stop? I still had to get the 3 miles home!)

During those couple seconds where I thought I might die, my life really did flash before my eyes, just like they say in the movies. I saw Patty, Lindsay, and Sean (the good one, not the California no-email a-hole!) for brief flashes, but I saw Marc the longest (of course). I saw our engagement and I saw the birth of a child (not ours, we don’t have any) but he was sure there. I flashed to a quick flash of us old in the car too. It was creepy as shit and it really shook me up, especially considering I gave up on that future.

We all know that we shouldn’t take our lives for granted, but it really gave me a jolt. It made me realize what is important in life, and how if these people made it into my flashback, they are definitely worth holding onto. And if you didn’t make it, it doesn’t mean you weren’t worthy. Luckily I didn’t get hit, so I only had a couple seconds for the flashback, not several dying minutes on the side of the road. I’m considering it a fluke though-I’m going to keep running there and being ever-vigilant. That’s the only way I made it out this time!

Funny Blog

I just ran into a blog from Ken Jennings, that guy who won a brazillian bucks on Jeopardy a while back. Its pretty damned funny, as he writes to Jeopardy like a jilted lover, suggesting some wardrobe changes and commenting on the robot likeness of Alex Trebek. I think my favorite part is when he mentions Trebek's ridiculous accents. That is by far is greatest character flaw, and that isn't saying much.

I'd comment more on it, but I just have a feeling that it will spark some comment for Marc on his blog and I don't want to steal any thunder.

Thanksgiving in July

I'd like to make a list of things that I am thankful for. I realized that a lot of horribly negative things have occurred lately, and they make me very sad, but some positives have actually occurred in the last few months and weeks.

• I reached my WW goal weight
• I met my goal of getting "shirted" at the McGuire's Running Club (and yes, Marc left a sweet comment and I didn't see it until I was making this post...and yes, I'm still trying to dry my eyes)
• I've realized how who my real friends are, no matter what "side" they've taken
• I've learned to be more accepting of people, and not "judge a book by its cover"
• I've learned that I often get too carried away, and I'm learning to control that anxiety
• I have a potential job in the city I want to live in, based on merit alone!
• I've gained a bit of fashion sense
• I'm not nearly as shy as I once was and have made new friends (NOT the friends in Florida)
• I'm taking an active role in making myself a happier person because there isn't a damned reason not to

Sure, there are so many negatives that I couldn't even begin to list them, but I'll give myself an extra postive-looking through the #*@% storm and seeing the few positives left.

Beaten to the Punch

I was talking to Patty today and she reminded me of some song lyrics, which cracks me up because that's a bit of a theme today. The irony of what Patty sent me is that I heard this song yesterday to start off a pretty emotional day (that was wonderful at the same time)

Its from The Scientist, by Coldplay. These are the lyrics that got my waterworks going yesterday.

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

The whole song is actually fairly appropriate, but then again, aren't all songs appropriate when you are going through a break-up? I actually have to admit I like the Ne-Yo song, So Sick. I heard it a lot while I was in Florida and I had never hoped it would apply to me. Its a really lame song but some of the lyrics make me cry every time.

I'm going to do what's right here, for me. I've got to get my life back in order and stop wallowing because no matter what, if I don't take this time to take care of me that I can never have happiness in my life. This will not be fun, this will not be some great happiness (like I should currently be experiencing in married life) but this is what I am supposed to do. That is my Fate, that is my destiny and I hope that I will, for once in my life, be able to wake up in the morning and feel a sense of self.

I just wish I wasn't alone...but isn't that the only way to find yourself?

I'm Sailing Away...

I had a pretty fun day today. At 11 we had a picnic for my office that lasted the whole day over at the Solomon's Rec center. It was pretty fun, I just hung out with Bill and my friend John and his wife (and adorable baby boy!). Then we decided that we'd take Bill's boat out sailing, which was great. I steered at one point, which was pretty cool. It was just nice, though it was terribly hot out there.

The baby was just so cute. He had the bluest eyes ever, and they were just so happy. He had his favorite toy with him, which happens to be my favorite toy as wel. This little Manatee stuffed animal that says "I'm friendly and slow moving, I like to eat and rest." I was quietly crying on the inside while I watched this little blue eyed kid play with a toy that I loved, that Marc had purchased for me. It broke my heart in fact, but I'm trying not to focus on the negative. It was just a painful reminder of how much I lost in my life when I lost Marc.

Tonight I'm just going to stay quiet in the house. The girls are watching some birds and just happy as clams in the window. I might actually turn on the tv for once. I think I avoid it because that cable guy creeped me out so much, which is weird, but I just don't like feeling like a piece of meat...and that's all I've felt like lately.

I'm determined not to be miserable today. Its tough though.

Where Was This?

Consider the consequences
Every decision you make will have its consequences.
Every action you take will result in certain specific consequences.
And that provides you with an enormous, ongoing opportunity.
Because it enables you to spend every single moment creating exactly the consequences you desire.
Life is filled with an abundance of very clear causes and effects.
By carefully choosing the causes you bring to life, you can determine which of the effects you obtain.
Consider the consequences before you act, and choose those actions that will deliver the consequences you wish to have.
Follow that simple formula with commitment and persistence, and anything you dare to dream will come true.
The things you do right now will set in motion profound consequences that stretch far into the future. For anything you can imagine, there is a way to move toward it in this very moment.
What consequences would you like to see for yourself and your world? Now is when you can make them happen.

-- Ralph Marston

I go to this page called Great Day and this is what they tell me. Wish I had that in my heart ages ago!

and I'm Gonna be Hiiiigghh (as a kite by then)

I am so high. Just got back from a run and it was awesome. My endorphins are going nutso!

I'll write more later!!

Lock Out

Wow, did I have an interesting evening. Between reading some ridiculous emails from Marc's mother, and trying to survive the high temperatures, I found myself saying "I'm going for a run to get some of this stress out." So I walked out the door and realized that I didn't have the headphones for my iPod so I turned to go back in. The door is locked. All the doors are locked. How the hell you lock yourself out of a sliding glass door, I'll never know, but its possible. After bothering the poor neighbor, who had to help me with the fuse box disaster, he remembered that another neighbor had my key. Thank goodness. I got inside and returned the key to them...realizing they probably aren't dumb enough to lose it. I had given Marc my spare key so he could care for the cats if necessary and he's in Texas right now, so that wasn't an option. I didn't even bother calling him, I knew he was there.

So I'm back inside now and I really don't want to run. Its getting late, I'm totally lazy and I killed a half hour figuring out how to break into my house. The answer is, it wouldn't be very difficult. The worst cost is that I can't find a door as cheap as the one that was on the back, so I'd have to get something nicer anyway.

Fun fun.

Book Suggestions and the Like

Let me start out with a picture of me and my little friend Draigan (Lindsay's son) from my recent trip to California. It cheers me up. We're playing with the E-2 Hawkeye and the S-3 Viking, which were our favorites from the package of military aircraft that I brought for him for his birthday. Make sure to note that I am wearing my pajama bottoms in this picture!

The other things I would like to share at this time are some books that I have been reading. Thus far, one of my favorites has been "Everything Happens for a Reason" which is a very insightful book that offers 10 reasons why "big events" happen to people. Some examples of reasons are "so you can find your hidden talent", "to make you stronger", "to help you find real love" and my personal favorite "to help you feel at home in the world". This book really was great and I recommend it to anyone, even if they aren't currently going through a life crisis. It may help you figure out some things from the past...or help you in the future.

At my friend Sarah's suggestion, I also picked up The Feel Good Handbook, which I accompanied with 10 Days to Self-Esteem. Now I don't believe that you can gain self-esteem in just 10 days, but these two work books are very helpful for getting thinking on the right track.

I also had the pleasure of having lunch with my friend Bill. We had some yummy sushi...sushi always makes me happy. I've heard that there is a new place coming into Wildewood, which should be nice. Asahi's sushi leaves a little to be desired, but hey, me likey the raw fish!

Today has also been an emotional rollercoaster. Talked to some friends from AMO school and they were all like "how did it turn out with Marc" and were sad to hear how it all did turn out since they knew what turmoil I was going through down there. Several people we talked to were like "I'm so sorry that I didn't warn you" and "I wish we'd have known how scared you were". It was kind of interesting, but its not like I blame them. I'm a darned adult and (thought) I could take care of myself. Lesson learned there for sure.

I don't think anyone will read this until tomorrow, so happy Tuesday!!

Silly Items

I drove passed my road today on the way home from the grocery store. It was pretty funny. I was like "oh there's the house that we always liked" and then realizing that I don't usually see it on the way to my new place. I was also rocking out to a little Michael Jackson on the XM, so it was pretty funny.

I'm trying to keep myself cheery. And by keep, I mean, start. I ate some taquitos for dinner. That always cheers me up.

Now I'm watching MythBusters, which I started watching in Florida because I missed Marc (he always watched it and I wouldn't, but it reminded me of him.) I started watching it because they were talking about the "brown noise" which is a sound that is supposed to make people soil themselves. It appears that I've missed that part, and I'm just watching some Chinese water torture experiment on there...but I want to know about the brown noise. I seem to recall that Marc and I once heard a song that we thought gave us that brown noise feeling...where was that? I wish I could remember. It appeared to be over some sort of loudspeaker...now I'm wondering if its when I was in Florida...oh well, I'll let this one go.

I bought 4 lbs of cherries yesterday. I think I've eaten about a lb and a half. Yeah, I need to make sure I don't start pigging out again and I need to start running again. NOW!

Perspective

Patty reminded me today that I need to look at all of this in perspective. What I am going through isn't easy and although it was self-perpetuated, its certainly not like I want it. There are so many other things going on in the world, right now (and in history, and in the future) that are so much bigger than my little "didn't get married as planned" problem. There is so much hurt and pain, pain that Marc nor I will even come close to through this ordeal. My friend Bill also reminded me that he often soothes himself with "I'm not the first person this has happened to, and I won't be the last". What a good perspective as well! So many people have had the same problem that Marc and I have right now. So many people have gone through it and some have emerged stronger, and some haven't emerged. But we're not alone in this. The pain will pass, and although right now it feels like I'll never smile again, when I look at my sweet little kitties I get a twinge of happiness. When I think about all the fun I've had with my friends and all the fun I've had with Marc over the years, I smile, maybe just a little, on the inside. Its like that Garth Brooks song, "The Dance".


And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

The pain of losing Marc is awful, the pain of destroying our friendship breaks my heart over and over again everyday. But I am thankful for the time that we had together. The wonderful memories, the experiences we shared, and the great bond that we made.

I'm sorry that I've been a depressed freak on my blog lately. I'm so sad inside, I don't know how to get through it, and all I can do is thank my friends for supporting me.

I know this will take "time". Marc has said he needs "time". I'm so sick of time, but it keeps on ticking (ticking) into the future. I can't wait to see what it holds.

Out of Control

I'm out of control with my depression and sadness. It is consuming me. I've cried so many tears that I don't understand how there is any liquid left in my body. I feel so much pain in my heart...I've never felt anything like this before. I need an intervention. I need someone to hold me and help the pain pass. I need to find out how this ever happened, to find out how I was fool enough to get caught in this trap. The trap where I believed that my life isn't what I wanted and that I could be saved by something else. I WAS WRONG. Unfortunately my actions hurt others and they can't forgive me. Its so crazy. Marc was confident and sure about the wedding...and I was scared. Now I'm sure about my love for him, and he's running for the hills. We could NEVER get it together. We never seemed to be able to get ourselves on the same page. And surely we'll never be able to again.

I need to snap out of this. I'm hurting myself worse, I'm hurting Marc, and I need to get on with my life. I need to accept the fact that I ruined EVERYTHING. I had the clarity that I needed and that very day I threw it all away. I guess I didn't have the strength and confidence that I thought I did...

I read this post I did awhile ago...this is the day when Marc and I spent the entire day on the phone working through the issues we had and he had plans to come and visit me. And just several hours after this I sold my soul. Two little words could have saved everything that means anything to me. "GET OUT"

What Do I Convey?

How is it that I have managed to go through the past 25 years of my life with little male attention and then now, when it hurts to badly to get any attention, are the men just lining up to pay compliments and show interest? After waiting 8 full hours for the cable guy to show up he spends the next hour hitting on me and then puts his phone number on my receipt. I guess I look like a skank, I don't know. Today, like all days since Marc and I broke up has been really hard. So many "we should be" "we would be" bullcrap going on inside my head. I have to stop thinking about him...I know he's stopped thinking about me, but the pain of losing him is too much. Someone suggested why it was suggested to us to be apart for 3 months...so he could meet someone else and get over me. I have to say I don't care about that...its probably what I deserve and I want Marc to be happy. What I do care about is that I don't know how a set amount of time will just magically make things different. That 3 months is this great amount of time to make a decision on a relationship that has taken 6 years to build (and about 1 second to break). Enough relationship talk. I only breaks my heart into a million pieces everytime I think about Marc.
Can't find the cord for my iPod so I can't plug it in. That's awesome. Have a 5 mile run tomorrow, which hopefully isn't too bad. I was supposed to run today to make up for the missed day yesterday but I couldn't because I had to stay by the house all day for the cable guy. A friend came over and tried to help me fix my phone, but the efforts only made it worse so now I can only use the telephone using the telephone box outside b/c it costs $100 an hour for them to come fix it and I'm just not paying for that. So I'm going to buy a really long cord and just run it through the window. Ghetto yes, but its what I'm doing.
I'm really lonely.

Quote I Enjoyed

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is." Camus

I read this today while surfing online and it just made me smile. Anytime people ask me about religion, I say something along these lines, thought not quite as simply or eloquently. I wear a cross around my neck, I pray at night, I don't go to church and I've definitely had my share of sins, but I consider myself a Christian. Not sure why I felt like bringing this up, but I've turned more to my spirituality lately in hopes that I can find answers to my own behaviors as well as how to change my future out look.

I finally get the internet at home tomorrow, so hopefully my blogs won't be so crazily disjointed as they are now.

I also want to start putting some of the stuff I'm learning in my lame little books on here. I think it will help me. Not sure if that would be boring or not, but frankly, I've got a heck of a lot of free time.

Yesterday...

All my troubles seemed so far away...ok that's not true, but they were in the back of my mind because I had some new fun crop up. One, it was really hot yesterday so I did not run, which makes me feel bad but I hadn't been feeling well (inner ear) so I gave myself an excuse. I worked on getting my "crib" a little more presentable, and its on its way. The excitement of my night was that I finally decided to turn on the a/c units. Well, I managed to blow a fuse. You heard me right. FUSE. I don't have a circuit breaker, this crappy cottage has a fuse box and its in my bedroom that is eternally dark...especially with no electricty. I tried really hard to do it on my own, called Marc, he didn't answer, then went next door to the neighbor (who used to live in my place) and he helped me out with it. I didn't realize that I'd also tripped the fuse for the freezer in my back room so I woke up to fairly warm frozen goods too. Lovely. I moved all the stuff into my refridgerator freezer and I'm going to drain the big freezer in the back. I guess I just don't need it like I used to because it isn't all of our stuff anymore-its just me.

Oh well, wonderful tales from shit-town.

Sleepless Night

Oh my goodness yesterday was rough. I got home and ran, and although it went horribly (it was very humid) it was good to get back out there. I came home and mowed my little lawn in this old fashioned push mower and now I know why you need to "de-stick" your yard. That thing was a disaster!! The highlight of my night is that I went to bed at 8:30 while it was still light outside. I fell asleep for about 3 hours and then the fun started with my cat Fernie. She was a nightmare!! She kept coming in and howling and biting me and kissing and nuzzling. I'd fall asleep and then she'd wake me and pull at me and stand on my face. ALL NIGHT. I'm not talking for a little bit. All damned night. I fell asleep about 4 when she went to the bathroom and then she came back in (after knocking something over in the other room) and we started the dance again. I got to work pretty early this morning since I didn't have to wait for the alarm. I don't know what is going on with her but I can guess that she misses her daddy. Well cat, we all do. And we all have to get over it so get some sleep!

Not too busy today. There's a 4 mile run on the docket and hopefully I'll have a chance to catch up on some sleep too. Its so hot in my place but I don't want to turn on the a/c window units because those rarely seem to do much (accept waste electricty).

Have a good one!

Reflections on Day One

Yesterday was a rough day. It was the first day that Marc and I were officially on our self-imposed "no contact" plan, and it was horribly painful. There's so much that I want to share with him-he is my life. He is my world, and there is no one that I'd rather share my ideas and feelings with and learn all about his.

I read his blog. He is upset that I think its not "fair" that he gets to live our lives that we had built. He's right, I'm sure its horrible for him. I only have the memories in my head, he has to look at the house, haunting him with memories of our relationship-when we painted the blue room knowing that it would someday be for our baby, and when we redid the floors in the living room, making our house more a home. I realize that my actions caused this, but I just don't know how I can live with these consequences. I sit alone at "home" at night with the girls just pacing around, knowing that they just want to see their Daddy, whom they both love so much. Little Fernie howls all night, its starting to sound like "Daaad? Daaad?" Its breaking my heart into a million pieces that one little tiny decision that I made in Florida, one split second when I had the choice between "stay" or "go", and I chose the wrong one, is the cause for all this heartache and pain. I have to stop dwelling on it. I have to accept the fact that I can't change that past and that Marc has given up on me forever. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I turned my back on the life I'd been working so hard with Marc to build. This will be a regret until the day that I die.

On a slightly more positive note (slightly), I had an appointment yesterday with the counselor that Marc and I used to see. He and I talked for quite some time and he said that he was actually very proud of me for taking the iniative to accept that I have flaws and weaknesses (my terribly insecurity and self-esteem) and that he commends me for trying to work on making them better. He told me he knows that this whole situation was a "perfect storm" and he knows that it would never happen again, but we obviously both respect the position that Marc is in. I betrayed his trust and I can only pray every minute of my life that someday I can build that back with him. I'm going to continue seeing the counselor in coming weeks and months because we already made some decent progress in one session.

I've been reading a lot of self help books. You can laugh if you want, but they really get you thinking about things sometimes. One that I am reading is "Love is Letting Go of Fear" and its a very interesting book about only letting Love into your life and not responding with Fear. It has me thinking about the way that I respond to the world around me, and I think that these are changes that I can make. I'm supposed to carry little reminder cards with me, but I haven't unpacked my notecards yet so I have to keep jotting the ideas down on scrap paper. One of the main ones was looking at how other people perceive you. Don't assume that they are against you. That is something that I often did, especially with Marc's friends. I thought they were judging me all the time and that I was inferior to them. The book asks you to squash those fears and only respond with Love. So if I think they are being jerks, just respond nicely, or assume that they are Fearful. I know it sounds a little "lame-o" but I think I get it. I was upset all last night because I talked to one of my friends from AMO school. I wasn't happy with our conversation and I started worrying about it. I read some more of the book and it helped me accept that I can't change the past, and I can't really do much about the future and that I have to live in right now. So I'm going to work on that. Right now I'm going to stop blogging b/c I am sure this is just blathering on and on.

I miss Marc. Not all of our stuff, or our house or our life. I just miss having my true companion by my side to live whatever life we chose for ourselves.

Rough Weekend

This weekend was really hard. Its so difficult to think about "where we would have been" if I hadn't been so foolish. Instead of having our first weekend at home after our wedding, Marc and I moved the rest of my stuff out to my lonely little cottage. It was quite horrible and very painful and I'm sure that I made Marc feel worse as I cried my way through the process. Today marks the first day that we aren't speaking to each other in a "self-inflicted" hiatus from any relationship with each other. Its an opportunity for us to both step back from the relationship and reevaluate ourselves after this disaster.
I don't know what else to write. I feel like a shell of a person and am dead inside. I was supposed to start marathon training two weeks ago. I can hardly hold down food so I can't seem to conjure up the energy to even walk around the place let alone run. I'm hoping that maybe my appetite will come back, but its not very likely.

Taking Responsiblity for My Actions

I have no excuses for my actions. Well, that's not true, I have a hundred excuses, but none of them are valid. I made some huge mistakes in Florida and now I am living with the consequences. I know that Marc will never forgive me, nor will I ever forgive myself, and living with that is killing me.

In those moments in Florida, I wasn't thinking about Marc, or myself. I don't even know what I was thinking. I sure didn't enjoy myself...I think I knew all along that I was a pawn, or at least I figured it out very quickly. I think that I was just ignorant enough to believe the words that were said to me, the promises made. I couldn't have imagined someone taking advantage of me like that. It doesn't add up, but it has become painfully true. There were so many single girls down there, girls that I saw proposition this guy. But somehow he chose me, despite the urging of a friend of mine to just leave me alone. I had no idea what was going on and that this dude had a plan. I just knew that I was very nervous about the wedding, had feelings for someone that I didn't quite understand, and didn't know how I played into all of that. I think the only excuse for my behavior that is truly valid is that I am an idiot. I had no idea what was going on around me, had no idea how Marc really felt about me, had no idea how this other guy really felt, and was just sort of in a dream-like state. I actually have a lot of trouble with memories from that trip, and the choices that I made were very unlike myself. I don't know what the heck came over me, but it did.
I think that accepting that I made poor choices is the first step in recovering. I did some horrible things, though none were done with malice or intent to hurt. I really was leading a different, more glamorous life than my own, and I got totally caught up in it and forgot my priorities in life.

So here I am taking responsibility. I heard all the right words from someone and I jumped at the chance for happiness. I forgot that anyone can say any words that they want, but Marc and I had built up years of trust and acceptance for each other. I just made the wrong decision. At a crossroads, I turned the wrong way, and waved "bye bye" to all those things that have been important to me for so long. I screwed up, big time, and I am trying very hard to come to terms with that. It isn't Marc's fault because he didn't come down and visit me, I should have believed in the love that we had. It isn't the other guy's fault either. Despite the "crazy" he was feeding me, I should have been strong enough in my beliefs to pass up even the greatest opportunity.

I don't know how any of my loyal readers fell in love, but I seem to fall in love very quickly with little thought. With Marc I was lucky. We already had a wonderful established relationship and he came into my life with the right words at the right time, and I even had a dream about us being together (not that dreams should count, but I often look at them as fate pointing us in a direction.) Our love-relationship wasn't nearly as good as our friendship, I was much too emotional and possessive, I didn't understand what to do with my feelings. After years together we finally made the decision to make our relationship "official" and I was as happy as I have ever been, though I was still quite emotional. The same thing happened with the other guy, only on a much more accelerated pace. We had a friendly afternoon (his personality was that of Marc's but he doesn't hold a candle to Marc on his best day) and he said all the right things and I totally thought that maybe fate was telling me something, as I'd been dreaming about him the nights before (it was weird, all the things I had experienced with Marc had this guy's face in them instead-it was very upsetting). Its just a ridiculous pattern that I follow, only this time I got really burned and ended up falling for a guy who was totally worthless and hurting (as well as losing) a man who is wonderful. He's far from perfect, but he was mine, and I was his. And we shared a life together. Not a great life, but our life.

So today I sit here wishing that I hadn't made some crazy decisions and that I had gone with my gut instead of going on a whim. Going with my gut has often hurt me in the past, but going on a whim...wow, that killed me. And has hurt me for my future as well.

So there it is. I did it. I messed up. And I have to live with and I am sorry that my idiocy and poor thought processes affected so many others. I never really thought my actions through, and I'm forever ashamed of those choices. I made the biggest mistakes of my life and now I'm paying for them.

Stormy Cottage

My first night in the cottage was very stormy, both inside and out. As the rain poured outside, my tears poured inside, as I spoke with someone who had greatly changed my life in the last few weeks and months. I came to realize that although this person is a someone that I care for and don't wish ill in life, I want nothing to do with him and the pain that he caused me can start to heal. It was very refreshing actually, to speak with someone who has caused me so much pain. I never realized what I had with Marc until it was gone. And I would have never realized how messed up I was inside if it weren't for this person. A friend recently told me that some people are like leaves on a tree-they are only there for a season and a reason. This is so true. This person came into my life and my life is now in shambles. But from that wreckage I've found how important I need to be, to myself and to others, and how, although a perfect relationship doesn't exist, it shouldn't take forever to know if you are in love. Its ok to be Kate. Its going to take a while to learn that, but if this jerk hadn't come into my life and helped destroy it, I may have never found it out.

I miss Marc so much. Why does hindsight have to be 20/20? He is such an important part of my life and I'm dying inside without him.

Move Out Day

Today I'm sleeping at my new place for the first time. I've got to leave in a few minutes and I'm not sure when I'll get email over there, but we'll see.

Today may be one of the worst days I've had in awhile. I can't even describe it.

I'm "home"

I got to the old house at about 3 am. It was really hard to be here, especially without Marc. He'll be here today, and I'm sure some awkwardness will ensue while I continue packing my belongings.

I really screwed up big time. I had what I wanted, what I needed, and I just couldn't accept it. I just can't accept any form of happiness.

On My Way Home

Today I hop on a plane and head back to Maryland. Its been great to be here with Lindsay and her son, but I really need to confront my problems and get back to my own life. I'm really not looking forward to that because I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life, but I will seek a lot of guidance on my journey to wholeness.

I just miss Marc so much. I keep hoping that I'll wake up and this will all have been some horrible nightmare and I haven't actually left for AMO school yet. Yeah right, that'd be really nice huh? That this is all just some sort of diasaster and that I'm not a stupid idiot that can't make grown up decisions on her own. Ok, I'm just self-depricating again and that isn't going to help my situation.

I read a great book this weekend. Marley and Me, which is a book I'd been coveting for awhile. Its about "the world's worst dog" and its the tale of this man and his family and their 100 lb crazed labrador retriever. It was so enjoyable and such a fun read. Its definitely great for any dog lover, but the story is good for everyone as well.

Well, I gotta get going. Need to finish packing and get on the road to the airport.