Thursday, November 30, 2006

What a Wild Ride

I really don't want to bitch right now, but I have a feeling this is the only way it will come out. I feel like my life is sort of spinning out of control and it makes me feel very uncomfortable, however, I am learning an awful lot about myself and others and "life in general" as I go through it all.

First, I'd like to take a moment to share some things I've discovered about myself, maybe just in the interest of some full disclosure and getting it off my chest.

  • My little heart/head are so very confused in life that I'm not sure how I managed to even maintain any sort of relationship in the past. I'm learning little patterns that I go through in relationships (all relationships, not just romantic) and I realize that they aren't necessarily healthy.
  • I don't like people that like me. Isn't this interesting? I am not a fan of people that take a geniune interest in me. I seem to really like to work for people's love and attention and once I have it, I drop it like a hot potato. Hmmmm, could that have a lot to do with my wedding cancellation? I can't seem to accept that people love me for me, and I assume it has something to do with not "loving" myself as much as I probably could. I'm learning some tools to work through that, but its difficult.
  • I am drawn to people that are a challenge. I dated a guy (I use that term so loosely) fairly recently and barely liked him. Then he told me he didn't want to keep seeing me as anything other than a friend. All of a sudden, he was this Adonis, and I wanted to be with him and thought he was so charming, witty, etc. What the hell is that? I actually talked to him about it (strangely enough) and he said "people hate rejection. If you'd have called it off with me I'd probably be chasing you right now." How ridiculous am I, and so many other people for that behavior?
  • I'm wondering if my weight will always be an issue with me. I'm such an emotional eater. I thought I had it all under control, but then the stress of the break-up, move out, etc., has taken its toll on me. I'm doing something about it, but I fear it will always consume me.
  • I hate flighty people. And holy carpoly, I'm flighty. Its funny, I used to get irritated with a flighty friend of mine and then I realized I was complaining that he did things that I do all the time. Now I'm trying to stay much more grounded.
  • I really want to be happy with myself. I really want to meet someone who loves me as much as I love him and share a happy life with this person. I'd love to raise a family and live a life that satisfies me. Its so hard saying that because I was so close to sharing that with someone I love very much, but the pressure to be "great" was too much for me.
  • I'm glad that my parents were so strict when I was growing up. I seem to be a "wild child" when left to my own devices.
  • I'm learning that love seems to hurt the heart so very much, but it also heals so much. I know I'm going to screw it up, but someone quoted something to me along the lines of "sometimes hurting is good because at least you know that you are fully living life and feeling". I'll accept that.
  • People tell me I'm pretty. I secretly think those people are blind. And wonder why they have to lie to me and try to make me feel good. I also can't see my body for what it truly is. I'm incessently pointing people out to my friend Lainie saying "that woman is smaller than me right?" and she looks at me agast. I think I have body dysmorphic disorder. And unfortunatly I'm not kidding.

I'm feeling very vulnerable that I've shared these things, but I need to get them off my chest and out of my head. I'm in my head so damned much that I think I'm not enjoying life anymore...not that I really ever did. I really want to do some anonymous survey thingie where people can tell me exactly what they think of me so no one has to hide the truth. Damn, I really want that.


Anonymous said...

I commend you for being so honest. It is hard to accept that people like or love you for you, after you have been hurt. From your posts, it is obvious you have been very unhappy with your body image for years. You have lost weight which is hard for anyone- so of course it is going to consume your thoughts. When you go from being the one ignored (because of your body) and then you tone up and start to get a ton of attention, you realize a sad thing about society. Outer appearance means a great deal to most people. I am sure you question people, wondering, "do they like me for me or for what they see, or for what they think they can get?" That is really hard to sort out in your mind because due to your great experience of losing weight, you now have a tinted view of the way that you percieve people. (isn't it easier to be in a relationship when you are overweight because it is easier to see that the person loves you for you, not for the way that you look) I guess in your current situation it would help to take things slow (with all relationships; friends intimate, whatever)that way you get to know the other person. It allows you to find out if they really care about you as a person which happens to include your heart and your looks. It is a package deal you know. :) If they are not into the total package, they will split, or you will eventially figure out the other persons intentions. Just remember.. you are special, you are worth getting to know, and you are worth having a relationship with (again whether it is friendship or whatever). If a guy wants to take the time to get to know you and love you for the person that you are- enjoy that process!

I had more to say, but I think this is good.

PS- it's cool to vent you are human

*Your favorite anonymous cyber friend*

Anonymous said...

Great post. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there like that. It looks like you and I have a lot in common when it comes to dating guys. I too dated a guy for a little while that I didn't even think I liked that much and when he stopped contacting me one day, I freaked out. I immediately started over-romanticising him in my head and developed a major crush on him. Rejetion hurts and it's a big blow to the ego. It's kinda strange that most girls tend to gravitate towards guys that don't like us very much, while the nice guys (that we'd probably be more happy with!) are casted to the side. For the most part, you have to love yourself before you can ever be happy with someone else. Relationships are a great thing to be in, sometimes, but they aren't going to help you be completely happy with yourself. I've never seen you in person, but you look very pretty in your profile picture. Try not to worry about looks so much. There will always be girls that are "prettier". Ultimately, beauty fades. We all get older and we have to fall back on what really counts; our personality. True beauty comes from within. Love yourself and you will attract good, decent people that will love you.

Anonymous said...

That was a great post--more power to you! All of us have at least one horribly bad habit we'd like to cure ourselves of completely (emotional eating, purging, whatever), but we never really can. You can get it under control, but unfortunately, when times are tough, you find that one choice sneaking back into your life and it's hard to keep saying "no." It's kind of like alcoholism, you know? It's *always* going to be there, but over time you can get it under control.
I know a lot of people with body distortion issues, so I know it will do no good for me to tell you that you look *amazing*, but for what it's worth--you do! :-) Hang in there!