What a Wild Ride

I really don't want to bitch right now, but I have a feeling this is the only way it will come out. I feel like my life is sort of spinning out of control and it makes me feel very uncomfortable, however, I am learning an awful lot about myself and others and "life in general" as I go through it all.

First, I'd like to take a moment to share some things I've discovered about myself, maybe just in the interest of some full disclosure and getting it off my chest.

• My little heart/head are so very confused in life that I'm not sure how I managed to even maintain any sort of relationship in the past. I'm learning little patterns that I go through in relationships (all relationships, not just romantic) and I realize that they aren't necessarily healthy.
• I don't like people that like me. Isn't this interesting? I am not a fan of people that take a geniune interest in me. I seem to really like to work for people's love and attention and once I have it, I drop it like a hot potato. Hmmmm, could that have a lot to do with my wedding cancellation? I can't seem to accept that people love me for me, and I assume it has something to do with not "loving" myself as much as I probably could. I'm learning some tools to work through that, but its difficult.
• I am drawn to people that are a challenge. I dated a guy (I use that term so loosely) fairly recently and barely liked him. Then he told me he didn't want to keep seeing me as anything other than a friend. All of a sudden, he was this Adonis, and I wanted to be with him and thought he was so charming, witty, etc. What the hell is that? I actually talked to him about it (strangely enough) and he said "people hate rejection. If you'd have called it off with me I'd probably be chasing you right now." How ridiculous am I, and so many other people for that behavior?
• I'm wondering if my weight will always be an issue with me. I'm such an emotional eater. I thought I had it all under control, but then the stress of the break-up, move out, etc., has taken its toll on me. I'm doing something about it, but I fear it will always consume me.
• I hate flighty people. And holy carpoly, I'm flighty. Its funny, I used to get irritated with a flighty friend of mine and then I realized I was complaining that he did things that I do all the time. Now I'm trying to stay much more grounded.
• I really want to be happy with myself. I really want to meet someone who loves me as much as I love him and share a happy life with this person. I'd love to raise a family and live a life that satisfies me. Its so hard saying that because I was so close to sharing that with someone I love very much, but the pressure to be "great" was too much for me.
• I'm glad that my parents were so strict when I was growing up. I seem to be a "wild child" when left to my own devices.
• I'm learning that love seems to hurt the heart so very much, but it also heals so much. I know I'm going to screw it up, but someone quoted something to me along the lines of "sometimes hurting is good because at least you know that you are fully living life and feeling". I'll accept that.
• People tell me I'm pretty. I secretly think those people are blind. And wonder why they have to lie to me and try to make me feel good. I also can't see my body for what it truly is. I'm incessently pointing people out to my friend Lainie saying "that woman is smaller than me right?" and she looks at me agast. I think I have body dysmorphic disorder. And unfortunatly I'm not kidding.

I'm feeling very vulnerable that I've shared these things, but I need to get them off my chest and out of my head. I'm in my head so damned much that I think I'm not enjoying life anymore...not that I really ever did. I really want to do some anonymous survey thingie where people can tell me exactly what they think of me so no one has to hide the truth. Damn, I really want that.

Not much new to report

I don't really have much to report right now. I'm working on a couple of blog ideas that will hopefully be interesting (a blog on emo music, as well as a blog for what my baseball entrance music would be) but there just isn't much going on in my life. I started Weight Watchers again on Monday and it has been challenging, but its so worth it and not that hard so I don't mind the hungry belly right now. I've also worked out both days this week and intend on working out today after my class, and before I go to get some yummy "healthy" groceries to stock up my house. I haven't been my normal self for months and don't even have condiments in my fridge, so I'm going to at least act like I live there for this last month before I go to San Diego.

Still in the crappy rental car. Its a smoky, no-power locks/windows, Chevy Cobalt and it angers me. A lot. And I miss the XM. A lot. And I wonder how the new Incubus cd, but haven't heard from my music hook up in a couple of days, so I'm in withdrawl for that.

Hope everyone has a good week and I'll try to get those posts done. I know, I know you are dying with anticipation.

**As an afterthought, I'd like to mention that I watched the movie Jarhead this weekend. I really really enjoyed the movie, and it was funny as I work with so many "Jarheads" to watch this, remembering conversations that they had about it when it came out. It got mixed reviews, by critics, and Marines, but I enjoyed it. Not sure I'd watch it again, but I own it now, so its mine all mine if I want to. Plus it had John Krasinski in it, whom I will someday marry.

Getting it Back Together

I have totally let myself go in the past few months. I mean, with weight, exercise, even my skin. I am pulling myself up out of the dumps (that I created for myself with my idiocy) and taking control of my life.

I signed up for Weight Watchers again today and I'm going to stick to that and lose the 20 lbs I gained since I got back from Florida. I had been at my goal weight and I let it all go to crap and that makes me very disappointed in myself.

In somewhat happy news, I got the TIVO working, and I'll have to blog about that later. Its a doozy. That ends well, so I can at least be happy.

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. We are now entering what has to be the most depressing holiday season ever because I don't have Marc to share it with, nor my own family. BUT I WILL NOT LET IT GET ME DOWN!

Pictures from the Trip

I thought I'd share some pictures from my trip out to California/Nevada. I am not the best at taking pictures at this point, but I was just trying to figure out some more of the functions on my camera.

This first picture is from Joshua Tree National Park, where Lindsay and I spent an afternoon. I had been there before, but sans camera, and it was great to get to go back, this time with such a great friend.

The Joshua trees are so neat. I've always loved them, before I'd even seen them and they were just an enigma from a great u2 album.

On the drive to Vegas we had to pull over to get this shot. The sky was just so beautiful, with all those different colors and swirls.
It was pretty rough getting pictures at the Bellagio, but it was really beautiful and I'm attempting to share a little of it. There are some better shots of the hotel, but this is one of the better ones of the fountain.

Of course there had to be a party picture. We took it pretty easy that evening, but wanted to be a little "touristy".

Busy Thanksgiving

I love cooking for Thanksgiving. I was so nervous this year that I would be miserable on Thanksgiving, as Marc and I are not together, for life or for the Holiday, but I seem to be pulling through, and cooking is helping with that.

So far this morning I have; defrosted, cleaned, prepared brine and brined the turkey for tomorrow (do not like playing with turkey, the first year I cried because I don't like eating animals), made cranberry sauce, made a pumpkin pie, worked on a sweet potato casserole that at press time is not prepared, drank a root beer float at 9 in the morning, and I'm currently planning my attack for cleaning, figuring out how to make another pie when there aren't any pie plates left, and at some point, getting dressed and making myself presentable. Somehow I don't see that happening while I dilly dally on the internet, so I guess I'd better go. Maybe I can figure out to make green bean casserole, and then officially take the role of Martha Stewart. Oh, except that I won't be a total bitch. (sorry that wasn't kid friendly. not that kids read this!)

Hello from 29 Palms!

Just wanted to say "hello" and Happy Thanksgiving from 29 Palms, California. I'm out here visiting Lindsay and her family and we're looking forward to hosting a lot of Marines for Thanksgiving. We've been shopping and cooking and we're getting ready to impress. After dinner on Thursday, Lindsay and I will be heading to Las Vegas for an evening of good clean fun, and then Friday morning I return to Maryland (BOO MARYLAND!) I hope that everyone has a yummy turkey day and they are lucky to be surrounded by great people...as I am.

Gotta run!!

But Hunting Season Hasn't Started Yet

I had such an interesting evening last night, which is what always happens when you are really busy and don't have time for any sort of deviation from your plan. Or what I like to call "my life". Driving home from the gym on Thursday night I was rocking out in my car and all of a sudden felt/heard a BOOM. Sadly, the first thought that went through my head was "I have hit a person!" Luckily, I have an over active imagination. I looked to the side of my car (as I couldn't stop as I had someone right on my bumper) and saw a big buck writhing around and then run back across the street where he came from. Let's take a moment to note that I was on the Navy base. Let's take another moment to note that I live way out in the country on the river in the woods, see at least 5 deer a day and not one of them has ever run into my car. I had a fair amount of damage, but luckily my airbags didn't deploy so my car is driveable. There is a big snafu with the rental car as I'm going on travel to California tomorrow, but it will all work out with very little out of pocket expense for me, and I can handle that. I thought I'd attach a couple of pictures of the damage, so you can feel sorry for my precious car, which I had been considering selling as it was in perfect condition and I'd actually profit if I sold it now. Damn Bambi's daddy... messing up my plans. And I feel pretty bad because I'm such an animal lover that I feel guilty.


Other than that I'm pretty pumped. I am leaving early tomorrow morning for California and I'm so excited about spending time with Lindsay, Dan and Draigan. Woohoo!! I really need a break too, as I've been stressing myself out with stupid things lately and I need to purge that bad stuff from my brain. And the weather is going to be nice so there is plenty of running in my future!

Happy Thanksgiving to Everyone!

File Under WTF?!?!?!

I happened upon this article on CNN.com just a little while ago and I can't believe my eyes. O.J. Simpson has written a book called If I Did It, Here's How it Happened. Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? I am agast. This is like me saying something along the lines of...you know, I can't come up with a good joke here. This guy is such an arrogant ass clown that I can't even fathom this. He needs the money? Did he ever pay the money to Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldmann's families after he was found guilty of wrongful death in the civil trial?

Go to Hell OJ. Go to Hell.

Roller Coaster of Life

On the roller coaster of life I've had an interesting ride. It was full of bumps a youth, but nothing that I couldn't handle. It was fairly emotional throughout high school and college, but not in the sense that it is for most people. I managed to stay under the radar for a long time, not experiencing the hurts and pains that come with growing up. I was in a happy relationship for quite some time and managed to avoid all the heart break of breakups and dating. And for some reason I thought I'd been cheated on that, that I had to experience the world so I could appreciate what I have.

Well in the past 5 months, I've experienced 5-10 years worth of heart ache and pain. A relationship ended with someone that I loved very much and I realized how terribly vulnerable I am to other people and letting them hurt me. I've realized how naive I am as well, and how I must not take what people say at face value. Not everyone knows the whole story about what happened with the wedding, but let's just say some of that stuff cropped up fairly recently and somehow it managed to break my heart a little bit more. But for no good reason. I should have realized that the person that had so much to do with the end of the wedding was a toxic, poisonous person, and his recent behavior only proves that I was simply a pawn in a little game. Its just so weird. I always believe the best in people, because I am not a person who lies or tells half truths. I tell people I love them if I love them, I tell people I'm not interested if I'm not interested. Why do people put up airs and pretenses? Just to get what they want? Are they really ever winning?

Oh, how I'd love to expand on this, but this isn't the forum.

I guess there is one takeaway. I've learned a lot in these past few months; about myself and about others. I think I really am finding myself and that is an invaluable lesson. The cost has been pretty great though, but I guess in the end, it will be worth it.

FYI

I somehow managed to disconnect my internet at my house, and although I've tried to figure it out, I just can't find my problem. So don't look for too many posts out of me, because I'm also swamped at work. I'm sure you're all so disappointed!

I Know Where Elton John is on Wednesday Nights

I'm getting really sick of celebrities spouting out their opinions. Unless of course, their opinions don't suck. (Insert sarcastic laughter here.) This gem came out recently from Elton John and it just bugs me.

I just wonder who the heck he thinks he is to say "let's get rid of all religions". I mean, why even say it? Does he think that all of a sudden the world will unite and say "you know what, that Elton John is a damned good singer and a genius as well. Let's stop going to church and just do whatever we feel like". And that begs another question. If we stop having organized religion, isn't it true that we'd have a religion based on a.) He/She (if we're lucky its Elton John) that mandated no religion? or b.) If we have no religion I guess we won't have War anymore and then we'll have a bazillion different opinions anyway. Argh, I'm just frustrated. I'm angry because although I don't really give a crap about organized religion, I think we blow it waaaaay out of proportion. Its not like I go to church and say "you know what, every damned bit of this is perfect and I question none of it." And I doubt others do that as well.

Ok, I'll just stop blathering. I will include these two links, (episode one/episode two)which explain how South Park dealt with this "lack of religion" issue...a full two weeks before Sir Elton brought it up. Makes me wonder if he's a big Trey Parker/Matt Stone fan.

Shutup Elton John. Or at least put your words to music.

Random Facts Blog

Once tagged by this entry, the assignment is to write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. Then, pick six of your friends and tag them; no tag backs. This explanation should be included.

I got this from my friend Sarah's LJ and decided that I'd at least answer it for myself and won't force anyone to answer it, but I personally think that at least Marc, Chantelle and Missy should do so.

Here are my 6 random facts.

1.) I've always felt that I'm not "from" somewhere. I've lived in so many different places that I feel like I have no roots anywhere. I don't like that feeling.

2.) I've always wanted to get a tatoo but I'm much too indecisive to do so. So I've made the decision to not do it as opposed to deciding what I wanted. Plus I'm sure I'll be nice and flabby and it will all stretch out and look stupid.

3.) I have never had any self-esteem. I have a lot of trouble finding my self worth in things. That often confuses people because I appear bubbly and outspoken, but inside, I hurt a lot. A whole lot.

4.) I've never done any drugs whatsoever. I'm proud of this, and also sometimes feel a little lame because I'm much too old and mature to try anything silly now.

5.) I worry that I'm not doing the best for myself and for others and I really want to be a good person and do good things. Its hard to accept that I am just so insignificant in the world.

6.) I want a dog so badly. And have been wanting one for quite some time. And in my heart of hearts I know that I am much too busy for a dog. But darnit!

I Can Only Assume You Want Fries with That

I read this article on CNN this afternoon. It cracked me up. Well, not exactly. First of all, I have never "done" any sort of drug ever. I just have to laugh at a couple of things here.

1. Why oh why would you be stupid enough to lace a police officer's hamburger with pot?
2. Did you think you wouldn't get caught?
3. Who doesn't feel bad for the regular joe that walks in and actually wishes for pot on their hamburger? That would have made their day...instead it was wasted on an officer of the law.

You can't tell me the King doesn't eat potburgers. Why do you think he's so happy?

Other interesting news today. My friend Murthlyn called me this morning and said "I was a millionaire for 30 minutes." Apparently there was a bank error in her favor from the Navy Federal Credit Union and her account denoted that she had a little over $7M in her checking. Here's my favorite part of the conversation.

M: "So I noticed it looked funny when I checked it this morning."

K: "What did you do?"

M: "I got up and got my glasses to verify."

I'm not sure why it makes me laugh so hard that she saw that it looked like a big number and went up to get her glasses to verify that it was in fact, a huge number. She said that she got into the shower and found it kind of difficult to not be a little giddy, even though she knew the money wasn't hers. By the time she got to work and called the bank they had fixed the error, but she was feeling pretty pumped after that.

And the best news of all...I got a job! Ok, yes, I have a job, but I'm in a program where you are sort of an overpaid apprentice for three years and then you get your final placement in a position within NAVAIR. Well, I decided that I wanted to work in Fleet Readiness Centers, which is the new way that the Navy and Marine Corps are doing their maintenance. I talked with the Admiral in charge of the program and we decided that I'll be a great fit for the team. In fact the words "we'd like you as part of our executive team" were used. I'm very excited about it and feel very fortunate for the opportunity. I'm going to San Diego for three months starting in January and will work with the FRC team somewhat, but when I return in March I'll be working for them full time. I'm so excited!!!! This will be a great program for high visability and promotions shouldn't be an issue either. I'm so excited to be supporting the Fleet so directly too. It looks like my training at AMO school actually meant something!

Undefeated!

Ok, I know that no one wants to hear how awesome the Colts are. Oh wait, I do! I just have to do my obligatory sports post so that everyone is aware of how awesome I am at picking sports teams to love. (note the sarcasm. note it.)

First of all, Purdue won on Saturday. Didn't see that one coming, did you? They played Michigan State in chilly East Lansing this weekend. Marc actually went to the game and said although it was a terrible game, we played "the least horribly" so we came out on top. Very nice.

Notre Dame won. BOO!

And now we get to the Colts. I was a little scared, I'm not going to lie about that. My boys are a great team, but this year we've not been trouncing people the way I like to see. Alas, in 30 degree Gillette Stadium, we showed the Patriots, and a haughty Mr. Tom Brady, who was boss. Oh I love to see that pretty boy pouting on the sidelines.

I'm not going to bore you, but it was a great game and the turnovers were great. Well, at least when they were ours!

I do want to note one thing. There was a terrible call for the Patriots on a first down play. There was a huge pile-up and no one could see where the ball was, but the Ref called it "first down" immediatly. Now at this point, don't you say to yourself "well, this guy has a favorite?" I don't mind if someone makes a bad call based on what they see, but when you are just calling it good without getting a visual on it, well, it makes me think that maybe you are not playing fair. Yes we won, but that's not the point. I don't like cheap refs that help out teams. And then, to top it off, since he is the head referee, he has to review the call because the "men upstairs" (akin to the banker on Deal or No Deal, I'm sure) called for the review. Well of course he's not going to correct himself. Erroneous!!

Oh, and here's a letter I'd like to write:

Dear Chevy,

Stop playing your stupid American does "blah blah" commerical with the John Mellancamp song. Just stop it. The first 6 times I heard it I thought it was a Ford commericial, so your marketing isn't working at all. And the song sucks. Sorry Mr. Mellancamp, you may be an Indiana boy, but you were downright annoying last night. Oh, and furthermore, Pink was also annoying. I don't like when you change words to a song to make it about football. Even if you do say "Peyton Manning" in it, it doesn't win me over. You aren't Weird Al. You're just...weird.

Sincerely,

Kate

Copy:
Mr. John Mellancamp
Ms. Alecia Moore (Pink)
Mr. Alfred Yankovic (Weird Al)

If its Anything with Greg Kinnear you can just...

I'll let those that know the quote just finish it for themselves, under the guise of keeping this blog family friendly.

I watched a great movie last night called Little Miss Sunshine. This is one of the best all-around movies I've seen in a little while. I don't want to ruin too much of it, because I honestly think that anyone reading this should either see it in the theatre or get it on dvd when it comes out (Dec. 19). The movie is about this adorable little girl (Olive) who wants to be in the Little Miss Sunshine pageant in California. The whole family has to join her on the trip, including her dad who isn't doing very well with his job, her stressed out mom, her uncle who just got released from the hospital after trying to commit suicide, her brother, who is taking a vow of silence and following Nietzsche and her grandfather, who is a crazy old man that does Heroin because "well, he can".

I've always thought Abigail Breslin was the cutest thing ever. She was so cute in Signs, and I just love her to pieces. She did a great job in this movie as well, and just made my night.

Now for my run this morning. I did the CAASA 5k run on Solomon's Island this morning. It is a memorial run as well, for a man who died a couple of years ago when he was struck by a car running on the road. Watch out for runners!! I got a PR on this run, but I'm still slow as sign. Case in point, I was beat by a 7 year old. Now to be fair, this little girl is a great runner, and she runs with her dad, who usually wins these things. They were a ways behind me the whole race, and then at the very end they kicked it up a notch (bam!) a little before I had intended to. Well the whole crowd is cheering "Go Annie" and I can't very well beat her now can I? I started to speed up and then I was really on her (yes, I'm was tailing a 7 year old) but I couldn't bring myself to pass her because who wants to be that a-hole that cuts off a kid at the end? Not me. So I slowed down and hung back and let her take all the 7 year old glory that she could. And she got two medals. One for her age group and one as being the youngest runner there. I am sooooo jealous!

Argh!

Again, this post is not about War. This post is about the people that are fighting the war. And the ridiculous comments made by John Kerry.

"You know, education -- if you make the most of it, you study hard and you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

I personally like the picture that went around my office today.

and yes, I would be just as mad if a Republican said this. Don't mess with the warfighter.