Sunday, June 04, 2006


I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Things that I should have been working through years ago have been cropping up lately, and I realize that I really need to get myself straight in life so that I can love and respect others in my life. Its been said to me hundreds of times in my life "you can't love someone else unless you can first love yourself" and I'm always like "yeah yeah, I know". Well, as I'm sure all your smarties out there know, it is true. I have been so unhappy with myself over the years. With my weight, with my career, with my looks, with my intelligence, and in gernal with the choices I have made. I'm just not a happy girl. Its so silly too because I have so many wonderful things in my life (people, a nice home, a great job, an education) but the one thing that is missing is that I don't think that I deserve all those nice things.
I've often said that I feel like Marc thinks he is smarter than me. He's always like "at different things maybe, but we're both pretty smart." Its kind of funny. I'm realizing that its not that I think he thinks I am dumb...its that I think I am dumb and assume that he realizes it too. (that was sort of a circular sentence and I hope it makes sense) I don't know how to remedy all of this mess-I'm sure its not easy because I would have just done it earlier. (its also been recently suggested to me that I purchase an "easy button" that should make my problems go away-if only!)

I am really looking forward to starting the next chapter in my life with Marc. I am so lucky to have a man that loves and supports me despite my insecurity, indiscretions, and inability to ever make a decision without calling a think tank to help me. I only worry that he is my strength in life and that I am not strong enough to stand up on my own alone. I really fear that I am not strong enough and that scares me to death.