Monday, June 26, 2006

Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends

Keeping for Posterity

I thought that was a pretty funny title for this post, and its a funny title for a Fallout Boy song as well. I would say its my favorite of their crazily named songs.

I'm writing this based on a conversation I had with Lindsay yesterday. I really need to take a look at who my "friends" are and assess whether or not these are people that I should be depending on in my life. While I was in Florida, I made a lot of "friends". I trusted these people with my insecurities about getting married, I asked advice about my entire life plan, and now I'm realizing just how stupid I am for doing so. Its not that these people gave me bad advice, its that I shouldn't have put as much stock in it as I did. Why did I believe a couple of guys that I had met two months before instead of believing the man that I had known for ten years and was going to spend the rest of my life with? Why did I think that they knew how Marc felt about me and how we both should treat each other? There is definitely something to be said about having a "neutral third party" provide some guidance into your life, but my third party was hardly neutral. A bunch of sophmorish guys giving me opinions on life and love when only three had ever been married (and weren't doing so hot with that either!) was something I took better stock in then a.) calling Marc and getting more information from him, b.) calling my real friends and getting opinions from them, or c.) sitting on my own ass and addressing each of these issues on my own. How stupid am I? I'm so incredibly pissed at myself for not making a decision based on empirical evidence-I took a wild-ass-guess and just went for it with help from people that didn't know jack crap about my situation. Wow, I am just a damned genious!
So I guess I'm writing this to come to terms with my own actions as far as letting myself be lead off the cliff like a lemming. I need to make decisions for myself (something that has rarely been a strength for me) and trust my gut feeling. I can honestly say, and I hope that Marc someday reads this and feels a tiny bit of satisfaction...it wasn't that I thought that we shouldn't be married to each other and that you didn't love me, I thought that other people might be correct when they suggested to me that we might not be right for each other, and I didn't have the wisdom to know in my heart that they were completely wrong. I threw away all that was important to me because I respected the opinions of new "friends" instead of remembering and being warmed by the words and actions of my best friend Marc. I need to remember that proximity does not equal quality in friendship. In fact, it may even suggest that you're only friends because it is convenient...

I think that I might sound a little bitter to the sham friends. These are still people that I had a great time with and honestly hope that we become "real friends" after time as we build stronger relationships. I'd always hated the phrase "make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold". I always found it demeaning to new friends, you were punishing them for knowing you for less time. I look at it now that you are cherishing the ones that have stayed with you through the years and became a part of your soul. I'm sorry Marc that I didn't cherish how golden our friendship really is. Despite all the wedding stuff, that doesn't even matter, the fact that I didn't trust your friendship over a bunch of strangers-that just shames me.

So I guess I'm your sham friend.

12 comments:

Carly said...

I find your words empty when you seem to take no ownership of your actions. You blame Marc for sending you care packages but no letters, the deck, your new friends, etc, when really the buck stops with you. You were in a loving committed relationship for years, and you threw it away in less than 10 weeks. Perhaps you should look more to youself than everyone else.

howard said...

It is about time someone posted something like that. She totally needs to take ownership of her own actions and not bleme everybody else for what transpired.

Kate said...

Its obvious that "reading" isn't one of the skills of the Burgess family. I'm ashamed of MYSELF for taking advice of others. You weren't there-you don't know what they said. But ultimately, these individuals didn't make the poor choices that I did...I DID. I should start having my friends and family attacking Marc-that would be really awesome...they could attack him for all he's done wrong through all of this...years before what has recently occurred. But I'm not like that...but you wouldn't know b/c you've been judging me just too damned long.

Sarah said...

You seem to be beating yourself up so much, Kate! :-( I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time.

Carly said...

Kate, I have been trying NOT to attack you. My point was not that I hate you or think you are a horrible person, my point was I DON'T CARE what they said in FL. And even in your reply you do not fully own your actions, you continue to shift blame to Marc and take pot shots at my family. If you “truly love Marc with all your heart and soul”, one would think you could withstand whatever diabolical mental attack they evidently waged against you for a matter of weeks. I certainly do not know everything about your relationship with my brother, but I know you broke his heart, and I know NOTHING he has ever done to you earned what you did to him. Twice.

Kate said...

I'm only leaving these comments on for posterity. I MADE THE MISTAKES TO ULTIMATLY CALL OF THE WEDDING. If people can't see that there were other variables in the demise of our relationship, I feel very badly for them.

I'm going to go "enjoy" my birthday in LA right now...and not think of where I would be had I not made the decisions that I made.

Patty said...

I really liked your comments. They made me smile. FINALLY, you're sticking up for yourself. Brava!

Nice to see the Kate-I-Know back. :) Did ya miss me?

P.S. Does that mean I can't attack?

Anonymous said...

I personally wish Kate would quit writing in this blog. Many of the entries are things that should go into a personal diary. If you wnat everyone to know about your trips etc... send them an email and copy all you want. I am glad you took out the pictures of your "guy friends" that you met in Florida. It was bad taste. Advise from an old broad, don't advertise your dirty laundry for all to see. Enough pain has been caused and no sense letting these wounds continue to bleed. Enough is enough!

Anonymous said...

I really wish Kate you would stop writing on this blog. Many of your entries should be put in a personal diary only. Glad to see the picture of your "guy friends" have been removed, it really was bad taste under the circumstances. Send a personal email when you want someone to know your business not verbalize all thoughts for everyone to see. Put this chapter of your life behind you.

Anonymous said...

Kate,

This is Paul, your cousin. I'm so sorry about the cancellation of your wedding with Marc. I don't know the relationship you have (had) with Marc, but your Mea Culpa blogging is pathetic. I'm glad Marc and you did not Marry as it would be even more pitiful to say I was weak "after" you were married. I was away from home (unmarried) in Iraq (1991) and not sure if I would be home alive or wounded, but not willing to screw the only person who was on my side (rain/or shine) because I was flattered by female attention in a far away land. The true measure of character is temptation resisted. Hopefully this experience will make you stronger. I was on the other end of an unfaithful wife (high school sweetheart 1980's) and it hurt, but I am unwilling to use it as an excuse to hurt someone I "Love". Love is more than sex, happiness, and great times. It is a "selfless" committment to another person who isn't perfect, but is someone you have made an oath too. I honestly have no idea how Marc may have hurt you in the past, but honesty between committed individuals is the most important cornerstone of a relationship. Please do not be angry with me for posting this note, but take time to reflect on your actions and consequences. Maybe Marc and you were not meant to be together. Maybe it is best you are not together. Maybe you are not meant to be "married" at all. Hopefully you both will find happiness in the future. Please do not take this note in a public forum as hostile. Since the frankness of your posts has set the precendent for bluntness.

Patty said...

Wow! This is one most popular blogs you have to date. People really LOVE shaking their fingers in your face don't they.

THOSE WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE.

Kate said...

I made the biggest mistake of my life, this is true. I hurt others, but most importantly, I hurt myself with the actions I committed.

The comment that true character comes from "temptation resisted" is total bull. There are many things that create "true character" but I have to give myself a little bit of a credit. I COULD have "gotten away" with everything. Had one last "fling" before the wedding, sowed my oats, gotten it out of my system and Marc (or any of you) would have been none the wiser. But I'm not like that. I made a mistake. And I owned up to it. How many people would throw away their lives with honesty? I loved Marc too much to keep that secret from him, he deserved to know, but give me so damned credit for having the courage to step up to the plate and own up to my mistakes.