Ski Trip Recap

Ok, I'm trying to keep positive, but this ski trip really sucked. First of all, I should have never gone. It was me, Mircea, and 4 other people that are in their 40's that Mircea knows from work. To say it was pretty awkward and painful is an understatement. We went up in two cars and Mircea slept the whole way up, leaving me with a painful silence with the driver of the car. Then we get up there and he gets mad at me because I didn't bring enough cash (I asked him how much I needed before we left and he said "about $50" and that's what I had, so I don't know why he was so mad) and then yelled at me because I didn't bring ski pants that he thought were appropriate and I had to rent some. No big deal right? Fast forward to the next day, our first day of skiing. My boots were wicked painful. I mean terribly painful. I had to bite my gloves to not cry they hurt so badly, so I had to take more time to switch them out. The new ones were ok for a little while, but then they started hurting pretty badly as well. I go down the first hill. I'm terrified, but I get down, I have fun, and its good. Repeat a couple of times, and then we go to lunch. The pain was back on my shins so I was very slow walking to the lodge. Mircea just left me and I had to find them once I got in there. I should have quit at this point because my legs hurt, but I really wanted to try some more and get better. Frankly, I wanted to make Mircea proud of me and be glad that he brought me along. Yeah right. Once we got to the top of the hill, they decided we'd go down an intermediate run. Let's just say I wasn't ready for that. I fell like 80 times and I couldn't get up. My shins hurt so bad from the pressure of the boot that I could barely walk, but the slopes were so icy that I would just fall down. Mircea came back up for me (since I fell about 2 seconds into the run) and proceeded to yell at me, call me a child, and ask me if he thought the little kids around us should teach me how to ski because I couldn't handle it. I was just sobbing and inconsolable at this point, NOT because I had fallen, but because my shins hurt so bad and the man that "loves" me is hollering at me on the hill. I finally get down the hill and we get out to the car so I can change and just be done. It was a silent ride back to the house, where I just separated from the group, went to take a shower and calm down. Later, Mircea said "well, you expected all my friends to baby-sit you. You embarassed me." He was so mad at me for not being able to ski. Am I the one that is ridiculous here? Yes, I was sobbing like a baby because I hurt, I was tired, I didn't like being a failure, and I sure didn't like being yelled at. I felt like such an outsider this whole trip and it was great because they all acted like Mircea was some sort of celebrity. It was kind of funny. The one woman clearly has a love of Mircea and talked about how great he was and we even had a "Mircea is Awesome" celebration cheese tray. (I'm so not even kidding.) We were celebrating his citizenship, the finishing of the kitchen, and his graduating with his Associate's degreee-all nice things. All things he told me not to make a big deal of while they were happening, and now he's all smiles and happy day because his friend's wife thinks he's a star. (Mind you, he didn't once mention that I helped him with all three of those things. I would have liked to have him say something like "I couldn't have done it without Kate", since frankly, he couldn't have done two of those things without me. It was just a jacked up trip and now Mircea isn't speaking to me because I was crying on the way home after his mom called and said she thought she saw some funny spots on Fern. Yeah, I was upset and I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said "Oh, I hope my little gray is ok," to which he replied "you are ridiculous, you're crying about this. What a child."

I don't know why I started writing all this-I just wanted to write about the ski trip, but I'm feeling absolutely worthless and blue right now. Why do I even want to be with someone who thinks I'm worthless if I can't ski? He can't run. He can't write very well. Do I hate him for this? Am I embarassed in front of my friends that he's not everything I want him to be? No. I love him. I don't care if he cries about something stupid like thinking the cat is sick (she wasn't, she just had dingleberries on her butt), or isn't good at something. He's my partner and I want to support him. I'm so sick and tired of begging to be loved. I realize it isn't real love if you're always asking for it, but I'm just sick of being uncomfortable in our shared home, of spending the nights in front of the tv with his cold silence.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if it's possible. No matter what I do in that house, I'm the one that is wrong. He has a stripper that calls him and I'm the one who is wrong for getting upset and jumping to conclusions. He goes out to the bar when he says he's coming home and doesn't call for three hours, but I'm the one who is wrong because "it's no big deal" and "i'm not his mommy" (but I didn't have dinner on the table at his request)

I'm more mad at myself than I am at him. I'm mad that I expect a different response from him because he used to be emotionally involved, and I'm mad at myself for putting up with this and letting his bad behavior make me feel worthless.

So that's our damned ski trip and here's the only picture I have at all. (though last year he managed to take like 40 pictures of himself.)