Good-Bye My Lily Love

Yesterday Mircea and I had the unpleasant task of making the decision to put Lily down. When we got back from the trip, Lily greeted us happily, and she and I spent that whole night with cuddles, loving and kisses. The next morning she was downstairs and she didn't move from her spot all day, and I encouraged her to drink water, but she only sat there, occasionally crying out and then getting sick. After we picked Yukon up from the vet yesterday, we returned with Lily to have her examined. Dr. Edwards (our beloved vet at Solomon's Vet-we'll pay the premium price for her) told me we had to get Lily in the oxygen tank immediatly and we did some x-rays to find that my little girl had a mass on her lung and that her trachea was curved. Our options were very limited, and didn't give us a good chance to do anything but stress her further. We made the choice to set Lily free from her struggles and held and comforted her as Dr. Edwards did her selfless task.

Lily was a special girl, and anyone who hugged that little calico body knew she was a cut above. I was one of the late-bloomers on that love for her...until this last October when she comforted me through my recovery, she was always "my mother's cat" first and mine second. But she was my best little friend. I cried into her fur when my mom died, I cried into her fur when my dad remarried, through breakups, falling in love, losing loved ones, etc. Lily Bear was my silky girl who always had enough love in her heart no matter how she was feeling. From the days of the skinny stray that deposited kittens under our porch and filled the void for my mother when I left for college, to the little baby who held out the two weeks while Mircea and I were gone so that she could give us a proper goodbye, Lily was the perfect cat. Sure, she thought the shortest distance between two places was across a set of testicles, and she taught little Fernie to scoot her booty on the floor after going No. 2, but she was a doll. No one will ever take her place in my heart.

I'm comforted in knowing that she is with my Mom now, her first Mommy, and that they are both together again, cat in lap, happy human illiciting that Harley-Davidson purr.

I miss you Lily. I thank you for all you gave me - you were far more than "just a cat".

My Sweet Little Friend

As most of you probably know from my Facebook page, Mircea and I brought a dog home last Saturday. She's a lab mix, and I'm sure some of the mix includes pit, but she had the best little personality. Her favorite thing to do was cover me in kisses, but right behind that was biting my arm and humping me, not quite as satisfying as the kisses. We had her for a day a half when her activity level frustrated the heck out of us. She would just run laps around the house, even after I'd take her on long walks in the neighborhood. It didn't help that it rained the majority of the time she was at our house. So on Sunday night I called the lady at the Humane Society and said that I needed to return Peyton (whom they had named Nutmeg) because she wasn't a good fit. Of course, she must have known she was in trouble because she spent the evening sleeping between us on the couch, resting peacefully. So I called the next day and said we'd try to finish out the week. By Tuesday night I was crying to Mircea to take her back because I couldn't handle the biting (mouthing) and humping. She had so much energy! And she wasn't housebroken, she was crate trained, but she believed that the dining room was a place for poopers and peepers. I called the local pet training place, AppleJack, and the cost for the obedience training was $750, which although insane, seemed reasonable for the service they were providing. I don't have a ton of disposable income right now as we just paid a contractor to finish up the other house, so that seemed like quite an expense. But we kept her and I enjoyed the end of the week with her quite a bit. She was really starting to calm down a bit, and stopped the biting and humping with the help of a spray bottle. On Friday morning I talked to Mircea and we decided that we needed to take her back because the cats were going crazy, we were going a little crazy, and we wondered if we decide to have a child in the future how we could manage the menagerie. So I drove her back to the kennel, and she was great in the car (as usual) and was so loving. She didn't get upset when we got back to the place, she just seemed like "oh, ok, this is my house" as she's been living there for 3 months.

I've been crying pretty much since I dropped her off. I hugged her and hugged her goodbye and sobbed my eyes out with her licking my kisses. I'm sitting her 24 hours later, still sobbing and Mircea telling me that it's for the best. I keep telling myself its for the best too, as she probably could have enjoyed life a little better with a fenced in yard, a 10 year old kid, and much more patient doggie parents. I feel like such a fool-I mean, it's been 5 days since I cried to take her back. I think the reality is that she is a great dog, but I think our situation with all the crazy cats doesn't help the situation. She's the kind of pup that deserves to be in bed with her family, farting under the covers and kicking our legs...not locked up in a crate.

I want to get back in the car right now and get her, but I'm afraid if I did it I would regret it, plus I want her to be able to find that fence and that kid. I know I'm acting like a 5 year old, but I got myself all backwards with this. I wanted this magically well trained dog to just appear, and I got so frustrated before even bonding with her. By the time I'd bonded with her, I was so frustrated and Mircea was at his wits ends, so we made this decision. I think I was wrong. I hope I was right and she got adopted today. That sweet little girl deserves a home.

So Peyton, I love you. My impatience got in the way of realizing what a sweet little dog you were, and my inexperience with dogs stopped me from understanding your behavior when I first brought you home. I'm sorry I got your little hopes up, you deserve better than the impatience that Mircea and I had for you. Good luck my beautiful buddy! You have no idea how much you affected me.

Goodbye Tiny Baby

She came to us on a beautiful day, her little meows heard through the wind. Today, the day we lost her, was also a beautiful day, but so much sadder than when we saw her little face for the first time.

Poor little Olive was with us for 12 days. She was so little and sickly, but so sweet and loving despite her pain. I took her to the vet for the second time on Friday because she still wasn't eating, and they'd suggested our best option was put her down if she didn't pass her blood tests because she seemed very ill. Her blood came back fine so they put her on an IV try to get some fluids into her little system. It seemed to work and she came home happy as a clam. We had a great day full of cuddles yesterday and this morning, and then things went really really badly. I just held her and helped her the best I could, and she passed away peacefully in my arms, the sweet little angel that she was. We never wanted 4 cats, but now my heart feels empty without her.

This is such a depressing post that I just want it to be over with. I am having knee surgery tomorrow and although I'll have a ton of free time I'm not sure I'll be able to balance the computer on my lap without a lot of pain. Hope everyone has a great Tofurky Day (ha ha) and enjoys great time with friends and family.

Words Cannot Express

The anger, the hurt, the sadness over this story on CNN. The article describes how a little baby was killed by his father when he violently shook him. It goes in detail to describe the extent of the injuries, including blindness, that the infant sustained. The baby was 3 months old.

You know who shook him? His father. Because he'd had an argument with the mother and she left to attend an AA meeting because she was upset. Leaving her son with his father. Who shook him to death. Who after further investigation revealed that he had squeezed him to the point of bruising ribs.

I have nothing else to say other than 1.) this man is a royal ______ and 2.) How could someone ever lay their hands on an innocent child. Especially one who is so small and was crying because he cannot communicate any other way.

Rot in hell you bastard.

Ski Trip Recap

Ok, I'm trying to keep positive, but this ski trip really sucked. First of all, I should have never gone. It was me, Mircea, and 4 other people that are in their 40's that Mircea knows from work. To say it was pretty awkward and painful is an understatement. We went up in two cars and Mircea slept the whole way up, leaving me with a painful silence with the driver of the car. Then we get up there and he gets mad at me because I didn't bring enough cash (I asked him how much I needed before we left and he said "about $50" and that's what I had, so I don't know why he was so mad) and then yelled at me because I didn't bring ski pants that he thought were appropriate and I had to rent some. No big deal right? Fast forward to the next day, our first day of skiing. My boots were wicked painful. I mean terribly painful. I had to bite my gloves to not cry they hurt so badly, so I had to take more time to switch them out. The new ones were ok for a little while, but then they started hurting pretty badly as well. I go down the first hill. I'm terrified, but I get down, I have fun, and its good. Repeat a couple of times, and then we go to lunch. The pain was back on my shins so I was very slow walking to the lodge. Mircea just left me and I had to find them once I got in there. I should have quit at this point because my legs hurt, but I really wanted to try some more and get better. Frankly, I wanted to make Mircea proud of me and be glad that he brought me along. Yeah right. Once we got to the top of the hill, they decided we'd go down an intermediate run. Let's just say I wasn't ready for that. I fell like 80 times and I couldn't get up. My shins hurt so bad from the pressure of the boot that I could barely walk, but the slopes were so icy that I would just fall down. Mircea came back up for me (since I fell about 2 seconds into the run) and proceeded to yell at me, call me a child, and ask me if he thought the little kids around us should teach me how to ski because I couldn't handle it. I was just sobbing and inconsolable at this point, NOT because I had fallen, but because my shins hurt so bad and the man that "loves" me is hollering at me on the hill. I finally get down the hill and we get out to the car so I can change and just be done. It was a silent ride back to the house, where I just separated from the group, went to take a shower and calm down. Later, Mircea said "well, you expected all my friends to baby-sit you. You embarassed me." He was so mad at me for not being able to ski. Am I the one that is ridiculous here? Yes, I was sobbing like a baby because I hurt, I was tired, I didn't like being a failure, and I sure didn't like being yelled at. I felt like such an outsider this whole trip and it was great because they all acted like Mircea was some sort of celebrity. It was kind of funny. The one woman clearly has a love of Mircea and talked about how great he was and we even had a "Mircea is Awesome" celebration cheese tray. (I'm so not even kidding.) We were celebrating his citizenship, the finishing of the kitchen, and his graduating with his Associate's degreee-all nice things. All things he told me not to make a big deal of while they were happening, and now he's all smiles and happy day because his friend's wife thinks he's a star. (Mind you, he didn't once mention that I helped him with all three of those things. I would have liked to have him say something like "I couldn't have done it without Kate", since frankly, he couldn't have done two of those things without me. It was just a jacked up trip and now Mircea isn't speaking to me because I was crying on the way home after his mom called and said she thought she saw some funny spots on Fern. Yeah, I was upset and I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said "Oh, I hope my little gray is ok," to which he replied "you are ridiculous, you're crying about this. What a child."

I don't know why I started writing all this-I just wanted to write about the ski trip, but I'm feeling absolutely worthless and blue right now. Why do I even want to be with someone who thinks I'm worthless if I can't ski? He can't run. He can't write very well. Do I hate him for this? Am I embarassed in front of my friends that he's not everything I want him to be? No. I love him. I don't care if he cries about something stupid like thinking the cat is sick (she wasn't, she just had dingleberries on her butt), or isn't good at something. He's my partner and I want to support him. I'm so sick and tired of begging to be loved. I realize it isn't real love if you're always asking for it, but I'm just sick of being uncomfortable in our shared home, of spending the nights in front of the tv with his cold silence.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know if it's possible. No matter what I do in that house, I'm the one that is wrong. He has a stripper that calls him and I'm the one who is wrong for getting upset and jumping to conclusions. He goes out to the bar when he says he's coming home and doesn't call for three hours, but I'm the one who is wrong because "it's no big deal" and "i'm not his mommy" (but I didn't have dinner on the table at his request)

I'm more mad at myself than I am at him. I'm mad that I expect a different response from him because he used to be emotionally involved, and I'm mad at myself for putting up with this and letting his bad behavior make me feel worthless.

So that's our damned ski trip and here's the only picture I have at all. (though last year he managed to take like 40 pictures of himself.)

Goodbye Sweet Baby

You’ve only been gone from us for a few hours, but your Daddy and I miss you very much. I smelled your smell on the comforter last night and couldn’t stop crying, and that got Daddy crying too. We miss your little tuxedoed body, always overdressed for every occasion: except last night. You were ready to go, you had suffered long enough, and Daddy and I had no choice but to help you go peacefully into the night. The nice people at the Vet said we had done all that we could and that you had lived a long, happy life of 18. Although you weren’t in our lives at the time, Daddy and I were only 7 and 9 at the time of your birth. You outlived any childhood pet I ever had, and know that they will befriend you up in Heaven. Pete (your first daddy) will take care of you too, and you can watch out for him and let him know that we miss him too.

I keep thinking of all the funny things you’ve done over this past year that you’ve been in my life. The way you make this funny little Yoshi sound when you’re eating. The way you refuse to have all four paws on the ground at the same time. The first time you had the yummy food I bought for Fern and Lily, and you just sort of purred and growled with pleasure as you wolfed it up.

We miss you little sweetie. It wasn’t the same this morning without having you at our heels and giving you a kiss on the forehead before we left for work. We’ll bury you today in the front flower bed. In the spring there will be hundreds of tulips that will come up around you and remind us of your graceful beauty.

I know you are “just a cat”, but you were our baby and we will always love you and think of you with your little angel’s wings.

What a Terrible Morning

This morning I came to work to find that the young receptionist at our office lost her newborn baby. Her and her husband had the baby two weeks ago, and he'd been in the hospital ever since. He had an underdevloped lung, a hole in his heart, and they also found that he had clubbed feet (totally fixable). What's amazing to me is that no one discovered this is the ultrasounds that she had before the baby was born.

I can't imagine what her and her husband are going through. They are both 22, high school sweethearts, and this was their first child, a son, named after her husband and his father. I know that these next few days and weeks will be hard for her, but sadly, I also know that she will always remember this for the rest of her life and that problems that I have are NOTHING compared to what her and her family are going through.