Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Dragging On

This day is simply dragging on and I am going insane. I am just miserable sitting here, wishing that Mircea would call and just say, "I'm sorry I said I wanted you to leave, I love you", but that call just isn't coming in. And I'm a fool for wishing/believing that it could happen.

I'm really scared and sad. I'm not just afraid of being alone because it didn't go as badly as I had expected when I moved out from Marc's house. I'm not just afraid of getting my own "stuff" straight, because maybe rekindling my relationship with my therapist isn't such a bad idea. I'm scared because this is so final, and from Mircea's track record, I will not be in his life at all anymore. He wasn't always so great to me, I know, and he's done some nasty things, as well as some passive things that were just ridiculous. But deep down, though I know things haven't been so great lately, things were so good for so long and they always seemed to be getting better, but then they'd tumble down like a house of cards.

I don't want to move out. I want this to just go away and I can go back to my place on the couch with one of the kitties on me and the other one's on their daddy. I want to go back to falling asleep in his arms, even though it was really warm sometimes. I don't want the feelings of insecurity or feeling neglected when he plays his video games, but I wonder if I maybe should have just sucked it up a little bit and been satisfied with the life that we did have together.

I just want this pain to pass. So I want it to be like two weeks from now when the tears are a little less and I've taken his phone number out of my phone. I'm lying. I want to go back two weeks and not make snotty comments because I'm insecure, and cry a little less about the pain of my shins. And smile a little more when he kissed me in the morning. Damnit.

He has totally shut me out too. He won't talk to me at home and he called me this morning at work to make sure I was there (and not still in bed crying) but it was terribly awkward. I wish that I could talk some sense into him. I wish I could convince him that I'm good enough. Damn damn damn. This isn't the kind of blog I should post and it probably won't be up for long. I'm trying to let out a little of this hurt.


Sarah said...

I know how much this sucks, but sometimes it *is* just better to walk away completely. I remember Eric and I tried to get together *three* times. We kept trying to get together because we honestly really cared about each other, but everytime we got back into a relationship we sunk into that same dysfunctional pattern. I got out of it, spent a ton of money/time in therapy, became a better person, started dating someone new and am shocked that I let myself be unhappy as long as I did. I think it's good to just take some time to, as you said, reconnect with your therapist, become a little stronger and start fresh. I know it sucks, Kate, but you can *so* get through this.

Missy said...

thinking of you....

Anonymous said...

When a man loves a woman he does not expect her to learn to ski in less than one day. He does not expect her to be perfect. Please do not take the blame for this break up all on your shoulders because you didn't try hard enough at this or that. As I read these three blogs I see a guy treat his gal like shit, and I see gal blame herself for his bad behavior. This is like the gal who is beat up, and she thinks that if she just tries harder, has dinner on the table at the right time, and doesn't make him mad, he won't hit her again! No he doesn't hit you, but the behavior between the two of you is the same. You deserve so much MORE! You are worth so much more!
It's hard to move on, it's hard to be alone, but I know you can do it. You are a wonderful person and someone out there, just as wonderful will recognize that and love you completely without judgement and impossible expectations.
Your friends and I all love you very much, now go out and party with them!!
Love ya,

Patty said...

So when I read this post that Culture Club song came to mind. I don't know what's going on with the soundtrack in my head, but I think the playlist is on 80s music.

"I'll tumble for ya. I'll tumble for ya. I'll tumble for yoooooou." Damn soundtrack. I was singing "I don't need another HEEEEEERO!...Life beyond the Thunderdome." GREAT! Now it's in there again.