Wednesday, January 23, 2008

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Mircea and I have decided to call it quits after a little over a year together. We just can't overcome our differences and have decided we will no longer see each other. I'll be moving my stuff out of our house this weekend, and moving back into the cottage (that I still have since we had our first fight in July). My heart is broken into a million pieces right now, because I know that I didn't put my best "self" into our relationship and allowed my insecurities and fears to rule my reactions to Mircea. He was not perfect either, but I fell into the traps I've set for myself over the years, and set the sour tone for our relationship.

This couldn't be at a more difficult time for me emotionally, as I'm attempting to finish up my last semester of graduate school and it is very daunting right now. I'm also trying to get control on my weight, and have been gradually dropping pounds since the new year. I feel like I always lose sight of things right when I feel like I'm getting them together.

I know he'll never read this blog, but I just have to say that I love him very much. He made me realize that many of the traits I was looking for in a man could be found in one package and that I did deserve to be treated like a princess. I'm so regretful that I couldn't maintain my positive outlook and not listen to the voices in my head, taunting me back into my insecurities. I know that man loved me with all of his heart, and my fears and questions second guessed that love and it eventually fizzled.

My biggest fear is that I will find myself writing this same kind of post in the next year, wondering why I've failed again, why I got scared and insecure once more. I don't know for sure how to break this cycle, but once again, I've left someone who cared for me very much in the wake of my tears.

I miss him already, and I owe it to myself to stop hurting myself and others this way, because I keep losing people that are so good in my life.

Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend.


chantelle said...

Oh, Kate I'm sorry. Now I feel totally bad about the comment I made yesterday.

Stay strong sweetie and I'll be thinking 'bout ya


Kate said...

I don't know why you would feel badly about that. He wasn't nice to me at all about the ski trip, and in return i was my usual weepy self, which made him even more mad at me.

I just want something to go right in my life and to stand up in the morning and feel good about myself and the day ahead.

Sarah said...

I'm sorry, Kate. :-( I need to find time to come to the county so we can have a sushi date. Or, if you need to get out of dodge for a while there are always things to do in the city. Hang in there! Old habits and cycles are hard to break, but they definitely *can* be broken.

Missy said...

I am sorry too. But, I stand by what I said yesterday, and you totally deserve someone who will love your "usual weepy self".
If you want to get away, you are welcome to visit us in sunny S.C. any time. :)
Smile, and know that you are loved by many.

Patty said...

But you can try sometimes and you might find you get what you need.