Katey Pooh Out

I'm going to take a little break from blogs and email until I get back to Maryland. Both are only upsetting me and I don't feel like dealing with it! Just call me if you need something

I hope that everyone has a happy 4th of July. I'll be getting home in the early morning hours of the 4th, so I'll probably be hibernating until mid afternoon.

Everyone Loves My Posts So Much

I think I may have the most popular blog on the internet.

I've spent the morning reading a pretty unexciting book. The Rescue, by Nicholas Sparks. His books follow such a form, but I think we all love a little sappy, romantic book every once and awhile. The only thing about this book that is driving me bonkers is that there is a character with a speech problem-well, what he does is write what the person says "I love you" and then in parenthesis he writes (ee wuv ooo) which is driving me crazy. Absolutly crazy!!!

I think we are going to go to the pool today after Draigan's nap. That should be fun. I like going to the kid's pool, though it makes me rather melancholy about the life Marc and I had planned together.

Thank you

Thanks to all who have left comments. I will say, the only thing about your words that hurts is that NO ONE could leave well wishing comments on our other blog except for Karen and Tina. That makes me really sad and at the time Marc and I discussed that we didn't have a lot of support. He definitely has support now.

As for the comments left. They are much appreciated. I realize that this is a horrible situation and I don't know how else to work through it. Decrees have been made by our family on how to handle it, but those people can't do it for us. I haven't been home, with the exception of three nights, since Good Friday, and I haven't had the chance to speak privatly to Marc. Everyone thinks they know what happened-rumors fly, my words are interpreted, etc. Its a horrible situation and I'm sorry that my blog has become the new public forum. I was surprised to find that anyone reads it in the first place (I think you can understand that surprise!) and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone.

This is obviously a horrible situation and I would have liked to keep it private-I made a lot of mistakes and to those who think Marc never did, you are wrong...but that didn't warrant my behavior, and I've recognized that.

This site will continue to run. As I'm starting my marathon training next week (it should be this week but its much too hot in the desert) I will focus the site on running-as it had always been. I will not change this address as it is to my liking.

Thank you Paul, for the only comment that I could actually understand and relate to. Your words sting, but the truth is out there and the showboating nil.

Blog Cessation

I appreciate (ok, that's a lie) the desire for some "anonymous" people that I quit writing on my blog. I have a piece of advice for that...please quit reading it. This is mine to with what I wish. You don't need to check it, you don't need to see. If you want updates from me about my life, certainly feel free to email me and request them.

Again, this is my space to do with what I wish. I apologize if it bothers anyone but as with anything on the internet-you have to type in the address to see it. So stop typing in this address.

Thanks!!

Wow Wow Wow

The chick at the salon totally messed up my nails. I would love to take pictures of them but they are so lame...oh my gosh. So she's like "ok, let's do the pedicure" and I was like "you know, I think I might just not do it because of the running." My nails are all jagged and crooked. I can't believe I paid her. I gave her a $5 tip, simply because she didn't give me change and I was too lazy to ask for it. I guess that's my own fault. I do have really soft hands though!!

You Say Its My Birthday

Yesterday was my 26th birthday and I had a great time with Lindsay and Draigan. We drove to L.A. for the day and experienced a fun day of L.A. shopping. I didn't like it there-it was dirty. It was like "yucky San Diego" to me. I had fun and definitely liked a little retail therapy, but the people were sort of rude, the streets were dirty and frankly, the beach was the scariest I'd been to. I told Linds that I was a beach snob now because the beaches I went to in Florida were just beautiful white sand-not dirty dirty like the ones in Santa Monica.

All in all I had a great time. Draigan was hilarious at the beach, I can't even describe in words how funny he was. I also got birthday calls and then cards sent to Lindsay's house and those were all sweet and wonderful and much appreciated. Its so great to have friends!!

Well, Lindsay is getting a haircut today and I'm getting a manicure. I was orginially going to get a pedicure too, but since I'm starting the marathon training I'm pretty sure it will get ruined in the first long run (Saturday) so I'm not going to waste the money. Here's to 4 months of crappy toes!!

Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends

Keeping for Posterity

I thought that was a pretty funny title for this post, and its a funny title for a Fallout Boy song as well. I would say its my favorite of their crazily named songs.

I'm writing this based on a conversation I had with Lindsay yesterday. I really need to take a look at who my "friends" are and assess whether or not these are people that I should be depending on in my life. While I was in Florida, I made a lot of "friends". I trusted these people with my insecurities about getting married, I asked advice about my entire life plan, and now I'm realizing just how stupid I am for doing so. Its not that these people gave me bad advice, its that I shouldn't have put as much stock in it as I did. Why did I believe a couple of guys that I had met two months before instead of believing the man that I had known for ten years and was going to spend the rest of my life with? Why did I think that they knew how Marc felt about me and how we both should treat each other? There is definitely something to be said about having a "neutral third party" provide some guidance into your life, but my third party was hardly neutral. A bunch of sophmorish guys giving me opinions on life and love when only three had ever been married (and weren't doing so hot with that either!) was something I took better stock in then a.) calling Marc and getting more information from him, b.) calling my real friends and getting opinions from them, or c.) sitting on my own ass and addressing each of these issues on my own. How stupid am I? I'm so incredibly pissed at myself for not making a decision based on empirical evidence-I took a wild-ass-guess and just went for it with help from people that didn't know jack crap about my situation. Wow, I am just a damned genious!
So I guess I'm writing this to come to terms with my own actions as far as letting myself be lead off the cliff like a lemming. I need to make decisions for myself (something that has rarely been a strength for me) and trust my gut feeling. I can honestly say, and I hope that Marc someday reads this and feels a tiny bit of satisfaction...it wasn't that I thought that we shouldn't be married to each other and that you didn't love me, I thought that other people might be correct when they suggested to me that we might not be right for each other, and I didn't have the wisdom to know in my heart that they were completely wrong. I threw away all that was important to me because I respected the opinions of new "friends" instead of remembering and being warmed by the words and actions of my best friend Marc. I need to remember that proximity does not equal quality in friendship. In fact, it may even suggest that you're only friends because it is convenient...

I think that I might sound a little bitter to the sham friends. These are still people that I had a great time with and honestly hope that we become "real friends" after time as we build stronger relationships. I'd always hated the phrase "make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold". I always found it demeaning to new friends, you were punishing them for knowing you for less time. I look at it now that you are cherishing the ones that have stayed with you through the years and became a part of your soul. I'm sorry Marc that I didn't cherish how golden our friendship really is. Despite all the wedding stuff, that doesn't even matter, the fact that I didn't trust your friendship over a bunch of strangers-that just shames me.

So I guess I'm your sham friend.

Some Pictures to Share

I was looking through some of the AMO school pictures and found a couple that made me laugh. I thought I'd share.


This is me, and my friends Lainie and Christina at our disasterous karaoke night. The highlight of the evening was "head, shoulders, knees and toes (knees and toes)."







This picture cracks me up. I especially like that Bill is exposing a nipple. Too too funny.

Joshua Tree National Park

Yesterday I went to Joshua Tree National Park with my friend Sean. It was pretty cool and as we did it on a whim, neither of us had a real camera to capture our "bouldering" which is apparently different then rock climbing, though the outcome (me huddle on a rock crying that I'm not ready to come down) is probably the same in either instance. While we were out we saw several rattlesnakes (one was very scary since it was near us on the path), many different lizards, jackrabbits (who don't care if you're barreling towards them, they were there first), a roadrunner, desert chipmunks, and my favorite, Big Horned sheep. The sheep were so cool because they were on the top of this big rock way above us and I couldn't even begin to understand how they got up there. Sean and I were staring up at them and the sheep were staring down at us and we were laughing that they were probably like "look at the two of them down there. They are so graceful in this environment. Look how they walk on two legs...they are just amazing." I guess it was funnier if you were really dehydrated but we had a blast. Its the most fun I've had doing activities I hate in a long time. I was pretty proud of myself too, I certainly wasn't dressed for the excursion. Luckily I'd worn my Teva sandals and was able to do the "bouldering" with little problem. A couple of times, Sean would just sort of make crazy jumps and I'd explain that just a thin strip of velcro was all that was holding me on particular rock. Hooray for Tevas!

Hopefully all of you will find the humor in the above picture. We drove past this rattlesnake and then backed up to get a closer view. It was rattling and angry. Then it stopped. And apparently we thought throwing change in its general direction would cause it to react in someway. (We did not try to hit it, but I do regret throwing money at an animal) It didn't but I think in the end the snake won because it got 37 cents out of us. I didn't like littering, but it really didn't seem appropriate to try to get the money back while it was around the snake. It was scary!!

Ok, that's all I have to report. It was a really fun day and I was sorry it had to end. I wanted to stay and go camping, but I figured we'd probably need some form of shelter so our rattlesnake friend didn't plot revenge. No such luck so we called it a night. I most likely would have died of fright out there anyway, considering I'm scared of my own shadow, but it was a nice thought.

Knock Knock

Who's there?
Pants
Pants who?
Just pants


This is one of the best jokes I've heard this whole trip. Draigan and I are having a good time with our jokes. Another joke we have is...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Barking Spiders
Barking Spiders who?
Just barking spiders

For those who are unfamiliar with barking spiders, Marc taught me that as a joke for breaking wind when he was a kid. Wish I hadn't taught that to a four year old.

Wedding Day

Well, I'm not going to the chapel today and I'm not going to get married, but this day is an interesting one. Its very hard to sort of "exist" today, knowing that I should be walking down the aisle in a couple of hours in my beautiful dress with all my friends and family filling the church. But life had a different plan for me I guess. I'm really looking forward to seeing how it turns out.

My friend Sean is going to visit me today in 29 Palms. He's stationed over at China Lake, so its a bit of a drive, but we figured we are closer now then we were when I was in Maryland. I want to take him out to lunch somewhere and then God only knows what we'll do out here in the boring desert, but I'm sure we'll find something.

Gotta get back to my book. Its super boring but the faster I'm done the faster the pain of it is over.

How Odd...

A guy from work called me today to find out if he could rent a room from Marc since I was moving out. He doesn't know Marc very well, but I still find it a little pathetic that he would call me, especially the day before our wedding. I told him I would talk to Marc (when he called) and ask him about it. I just find that to be a tad inappropriate.

Oh well.

I did a two mile run today. It is so hot here, I was miserable. My marathon training starts next week and I think that I am in big trouble. In a sort of positive note, when I lost weight in Florida a ton of it was in my chest, so now I have "runner's boobs" so I don't have to worry about them giving me black eyes anymore. I guess I can live with that, though a couple of my shirts look a little sad now, but oh well. This will be better for running.

I'm a little sad today. Its hard not to be, considering this should be the happiest time of my life and I would love to be sharing these days with my friends and family. This is all just so sad because I truly love Marc will all my heart and soul. I'm just not sure that is enough.

Update (For Lainie)

I am doing ok here in California. Lindsay is taking good care of me. I'm obviously sad but I can't make Marc forgive me, can't forgive myself, and can't get over all the players in this farce anyway, so its kind of a disaster.

I might get to see bacheleorette party Sean sometime during this visit. That would be PLATONIC-LY nice. Apparently I have some sort of "you should ask me out" sign on me b/c the guys are lining up. I guess since its a Marine Corps base that makes sense, but that doesn't mean I like it.

You can get the stuff out of my garage if you want. Call me for the code if you didn't get it from the voice mail.

Love you all!!!

California Love

I arrived in sunny (and very warm) California today. I had a fairly eventful flight, full of nightmares that we were experiencing heavy turbulence (only to discover that a child had been kicking my seat the entire time I was sleeping). The kids behind me were unbelievably bad the entire flight and my favorite part of the story is that at the end of the flight the stupid mom turns to her kids and says "I'm so glad that you boys were on such good behavior the entire trip" The guy next to me muttered "F-You" under his breath and I turned around and gave her the "crazy eyes". What a psycho. Those kids were unbelievable and I hated her even more because she was wearing a shirt that said "Your boyfriend and I make a great couple." Shutup stupid girl!!

I'm currently at Twentynine Palms Marine Corps base. I think its really nice here. Lindsay's husband is currently in Iraq (thank you Dan for serving our country) so Draigan (her almost 4 year old son), Lindsay and I are hanging out and having a good time. She'll surely be a great help over this weekend, as I am sure this will be a very hard weekend for me. Marc is going home to Indiana to be with his family during this time, and I'm sure he'll have a nice time with all the wedding well-wishers (who have stopped wishing well!).

I should get going. I'd like to call Marc before he goes to bed to wish him a safe trip home.

Moving Day

Today was quite an eventful one, though not events that I would like to see happening. This morning we (Marc, myself and his Mom) went to look at the cottage on the Potomac to see if it would be an appropriate place for me to reside for at least the next year. It was! Its in a great location and although its pretty musty and old, its a great price and its a good enough size that I don't even need to get a storage unit. Its 2 bedrooms, 1 1/2 baths and it has a nice little kitchen and a great sized living room. Its certainly not as wonderful as the house that Marc and I had planned on living in together, but I guess God had other plans for me. (I hope it was God that had these plans-it sometimes doesn't seem like it!)

Tomorrow is my first day back at work in two months. I'm only going to be there for a day and then I am going to California to spend the wedding/honeymoon period with Lindsay, whom was to be my matron of honor. She thought it would be best if I got "away" from everything, and as Marc is going to be with his family in Indiana, this was a great option for me. I'm really looking forward to seeing her and her son Draigan.

The love and support of my friends has been wonderful. The reactions of my bridesmaids is enough to make me realize that I definitely chose the right people and that their friendship is so valuable to me.

This is going to be a really hard time, but I think that I will emerge a stronger, more confident woman-I need to, for my sake. I wouldn't be in this position if I had a better sense of self.

I may blog from Twentynine Palms, but who knows? If not, I wish you all well and I hope that you'll think of me on June 24, at four o'clock while I should be walking down the aisle to pledge my life to the man that I love...instead of a sobbing in base housing in CA. Man oh man, I didn't see this coming!

Packing

Today has been a pretty rough day. I've been packing up some of my stuff, and mostly its all books. I have so many stinkin' books. Most of them were my mother's and I can't bear to part with them, but I will be putting them in storage instead of moving them into my next residence. Whatever that may be. I've found a cute little cottage way out in the country on St. George's Creek (I think) and its really cheap and private so I'll probably live there. Its pretty hard to leave our home that we have so many memories in, especially since Marc just built the deck (as a wedding surprise) and we'd surely have a great time out there. We camped out on the deck last night and that was really fun. It was really neat to fall asleep under the stars with the breeze blowing over me-I felt very peaceful. It was cute too because the girls (cats) kept meowing from the dining room window at us.

This has all been really hard. I got a lot of phone calls today from people I was in Florida with. When I tell them that Marc built the deck they all get really quiet. A lot of people helped me believe that I shouldn't be with Marc because he wouldn't take the time to come down and visit me on any of the weekends he was here-turns out he was working on the deck, but I never knew about it. Ultimately, it shouldn't have mattered, but in my stressed out, cold feet state, it did.

We also took back the gifts we've received to Target yesterday. That was a real treat. We were given gift cards that we will be returning to those who sent us gifts. We also have to return the checks to everyone-it will definitely be a hard letter to write too.

I hope that everyone is doing well. I have to thank all my friends for their support through all of this, and I especially have to thank Marc, for being the upstanding man I always knew he was and for helping me through this transitional time. This weekend has been really hard because this should have been a weekend of celebration for our upcoming marriage (next weekend). Instead it is filled with pain and sorrow. A brighter day will surely come.

Its Over!

The fat lady has sung. Marc and I will not be getting married on June 24th. We will not be getting married EVER. It is just a horrible situation and although Marc and I love each other very much, we've come to the determination that we are not meant to be husband and wife and that friends is the most appropriate way to address us.

This has been a horribly painful experience and I want to thank everyone for the love and support they have shown through our relationship, painfully short engagement, and now this, the end of what could have been a wonderful relationship.

Florida taught me several things. One, that I am a weak and stupid little girl. Two, that maybe Marc and I didn't have all our ducks in a row to get married. Three, that the stress of a wedding was just too too much for me and I couldn't handle it.


I will discuss more on this later.

Almost Home

I am so excited to be going home on Monday. I have been here too damned long and just need to get back into my "old life" which at times could be a little mundane, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I'd really like to sleep in my own bed, hang out with my friends, feed the kitties and snuggle up to Marc. I am so homesick and its so close to the time to go home...but I'm not sure I can wait a week!

Marc is coming on Sunday. Hopefully I'll have a chance to take him to the beach and then we'll drive back home together on Tuesday morning. I just can't wait to see him!!!!

Haven't been running at all lately. I haven't been eating as I've been really upset and nervous so I don't have enough calories in my body to sustain a run. I've lost 10 lbs since I've been here, so I'm actually at my goal weight, though this isn't the way that I wanted to get there.

Clarity

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Things that I should have been working through years ago have been cropping up lately, and I realize that I really need to get myself straight in life so that I can love and respect others in my life. Its been said to me hundreds of times in my life "you can't love someone else unless you can first love yourself" and I'm always like "yeah yeah, I know". Well, as I'm sure all your smarties out there know, it is true. I have been so unhappy with myself over the years. With my weight, with my career, with my looks, with my intelligence, and in gernal with the choices I have made. I'm just not a happy girl. Its so silly too because I have so many wonderful things in my life (people, a nice home, a great job, an education) but the one thing that is missing is that I don't think that I deserve all those nice things.
I've often said that I feel like Marc thinks he is smarter than me. He's always like "at different things maybe, but we're both pretty smart." Its kind of funny. I'm realizing that its not that I think he thinks I am dumb...its that I think I am dumb and assume that he realizes it too. (that was sort of a circular sentence and I hope it makes sense) I don't know how to remedy all of this mess-I'm sure its not easy because I would have just done it earlier. (its also been recently suggested to me that I purchase an "easy button" that should make my problems go away-if only!)

I am really looking forward to starting the next chapter in my life with Marc. I am so lucky to have a man that loves and supports me despite my insecurity, indiscretions, and inability to ever make a decision without calling a think tank to help me. I only worry that he is my strength in life and that I am not strong enough to stand up on my own alone. I really fear that I am not strong enough and that scares me to death.