Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Changes

Sometimes song lyrics just speak to you, you know? I am trying so hard to find what I want in life, but I keep making wrong choices. I keep making decisions that are sort of "old habits die hard" kinds of things, and not concentrating on myself. Who really knows how to "heal thyself"? I journal, I go to counseling, I have been going way outside my comfort zone, and I just keep feeling like I get burned. I also keep letting people take advantage of me, and that sucks. I should change that, I keep letting myself get taken advantage of. I'm the one in control, and I often forget that as I'm trying to make friends and not hurt other people. I've been sort of dating this guy Chris, and this weekend he really hurt my feelings. Which is hilarious, because I never really liked him much in the first place, but his rejection somehow hurt me. Its not that he rejected me...its how he did, and it really knocked me out for a few rounds. I'm much less mad about him than I am about myself. I guess its all part of learning and growing. I just wish I'd had the opportunity to go through all these changes when most people are lucky enough to; in college. I never had time to find myself until now. And its really hard. Instead of learning what I want, I seem to be ticking off the "well, I don't want that". I guess its all part of growing up. At twenty six years old.




I'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm blind and shaken'
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes


Three Doors Down: Changes

5 comments:

Sarah said...

Don't know what happened with Chris, but I'm REALLY ANGRY that he hurt your feelings. Punk. You are a *great* person; I think sometimes you should step back and realize all of the wonderful things you have done. It's really hard to not let guys get to you, but very few are actually worth it...

Anonymous said...

Have you heard 30 is the new 20? The lessons you are learning now are ones most people never learn because they grow complacent in their lives. Behaviors are hard to change because we do them without thinking. It takes a while before the change becomes natural. I think you are doing a great job.

Chris seems like a moron and not worth your time. Granted, I think that's natural behavior for guys until they consciously make the effort to change the behavior. :)

I miss you and will be thinking about you this weekend when we take the kiddo to see the Blue Angels at Miramar :) Airplanes always remind him of you.

Lindzer

Anonymous said...

OK 2 things-

1st: You are not that old. So it's better to go through all of this now, than never at all.

2nd: You sure do whine alot

Kate said...

I do whine alot. And it feels so good...

Anonymous said...

:)