Quote I Enjoyed

"I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is." Camus

I read this today while surfing online and it just made me smile. Anytime people ask me about religion, I say something along these lines, thought not quite as simply or eloquently. I wear a cross around my neck, I pray at night, I don't go to church and I've definitely had my share of sins, but I consider myself a Christian. Not sure why I felt like bringing this up, but I've turned more to my spirituality lately in hopes that I can find answers to my own behaviors as well as how to change my future out look.

I finally get the internet at home tomorrow, so hopefully my blogs won't be so crazily disjointed as they are now.

I also want to start putting some of the stuff I'm learning in my lame little books on here. I think it will help me. Not sure if that would be boring or not, but frankly, I've got a heck of a lot of free time.

Yesterday...

All my troubles seemed so far away...ok that's not true, but they were in the back of my mind because I had some new fun crop up. One, it was really hot yesterday so I did not run, which makes me feel bad but I hadn't been feeling well (inner ear) so I gave myself an excuse. I worked on getting my "crib" a little more presentable, and its on its way. The excitement of my night was that I finally decided to turn on the a/c units. Well, I managed to blow a fuse. You heard me right. FUSE. I don't have a circuit breaker, this crappy cottage has a fuse box and its in my bedroom that is eternally dark...especially with no electricty. I tried really hard to do it on my own, called Marc, he didn't answer, then went next door to the neighbor (who used to live in my place) and he helped me out with it. I didn't realize that I'd also tripped the fuse for the freezer in my back room so I woke up to fairly warm frozen goods too. Lovely. I moved all the stuff into my refridgerator freezer and I'm going to drain the big freezer in the back. I guess I just don't need it like I used to because it isn't all of our stuff anymore-its just me.

Oh well, wonderful tales from shit-town.

Sleepless Night

Oh my goodness yesterday was rough. I got home and ran, and although it went horribly (it was very humid) it was good to get back out there. I came home and mowed my little lawn in this old fashioned push mower and now I know why you need to "de-stick" your yard. That thing was a disaster!! The highlight of my night is that I went to bed at 8:30 while it was still light outside. I fell asleep for about 3 hours and then the fun started with my cat Fernie. She was a nightmare!! She kept coming in and howling and biting me and kissing and nuzzling. I'd fall asleep and then she'd wake me and pull at me and stand on my face. ALL NIGHT. I'm not talking for a little bit. All damned night. I fell asleep about 4 when she went to the bathroom and then she came back in (after knocking something over in the other room) and we started the dance again. I got to work pretty early this morning since I didn't have to wait for the alarm. I don't know what is going on with her but I can guess that she misses her daddy. Well cat, we all do. And we all have to get over it so get some sleep!

Not too busy today. There's a 4 mile run on the docket and hopefully I'll have a chance to catch up on some sleep too. Its so hot in my place but I don't want to turn on the a/c window units because those rarely seem to do much (accept waste electricty).

Have a good one!

Reflections on Day One

Yesterday was a rough day. It was the first day that Marc and I were officially on our self-imposed "no contact" plan, and it was horribly painful. There's so much that I want to share with him-he is my life. He is my world, and there is no one that I'd rather share my ideas and feelings with and learn all about his.

I read his blog. He is upset that I think its not "fair" that he gets to live our lives that we had built. He's right, I'm sure its horrible for him. I only have the memories in my head, he has to look at the house, haunting him with memories of our relationship-when we painted the blue room knowing that it would someday be for our baby, and when we redid the floors in the living room, making our house more a home. I realize that my actions caused this, but I just don't know how I can live with these consequences. I sit alone at "home" at night with the girls just pacing around, knowing that they just want to see their Daddy, whom they both love so much. Little Fernie howls all night, its starting to sound like "Daaad? Daaad?" Its breaking my heart into a million pieces that one little tiny decision that I made in Florida, one split second when I had the choice between "stay" or "go", and I chose the wrong one, is the cause for all this heartache and pain. I have to stop dwelling on it. I have to accept the fact that I can't change that past and that Marc has given up on me forever. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I turned my back on the life I'd been working so hard with Marc to build. This will be a regret until the day that I die.

On a slightly more positive note (slightly), I had an appointment yesterday with the counselor that Marc and I used to see. He and I talked for quite some time and he said that he was actually very proud of me for taking the iniative to accept that I have flaws and weaknesses (my terribly insecurity and self-esteem) and that he commends me for trying to work on making them better. He told me he knows that this whole situation was a "perfect storm" and he knows that it would never happen again, but we obviously both respect the position that Marc is in. I betrayed his trust and I can only pray every minute of my life that someday I can build that back with him. I'm going to continue seeing the counselor in coming weeks and months because we already made some decent progress in one session.

I've been reading a lot of self help books. You can laugh if you want, but they really get you thinking about things sometimes. One that I am reading is "Love is Letting Go of Fear" and its a very interesting book about only letting Love into your life and not responding with Fear. It has me thinking about the way that I respond to the world around me, and I think that these are changes that I can make. I'm supposed to carry little reminder cards with me, but I haven't unpacked my notecards yet so I have to keep jotting the ideas down on scrap paper. One of the main ones was looking at how other people perceive you. Don't assume that they are against you. That is something that I often did, especially with Marc's friends. I thought they were judging me all the time and that I was inferior to them. The book asks you to squash those fears and only respond with Love. So if I think they are being jerks, just respond nicely, or assume that they are Fearful. I know it sounds a little "lame-o" but I think I get it. I was upset all last night because I talked to one of my friends from AMO school. I wasn't happy with our conversation and I started worrying about it. I read some more of the book and it helped me accept that I can't change the past, and I can't really do much about the future and that I have to live in right now. So I'm going to work on that. Right now I'm going to stop blogging b/c I am sure this is just blathering on and on.

I miss Marc. Not all of our stuff, or our house or our life. I just miss having my true companion by my side to live whatever life we chose for ourselves.

Rough Weekend

This weekend was really hard. Its so difficult to think about "where we would have been" if I hadn't been so foolish. Instead of having our first weekend at home after our wedding, Marc and I moved the rest of my stuff out to my lonely little cottage. It was quite horrible and very painful and I'm sure that I made Marc feel worse as I cried my way through the process. Today marks the first day that we aren't speaking to each other in a "self-inflicted" hiatus from any relationship with each other. Its an opportunity for us to both step back from the relationship and reevaluate ourselves after this disaster.
I don't know what else to write. I feel like a shell of a person and am dead inside. I was supposed to start marathon training two weeks ago. I can hardly hold down food so I can't seem to conjure up the energy to even walk around the place let alone run. I'm hoping that maybe my appetite will come back, but its not very likely.

Taking Responsiblity for My Actions

I have no excuses for my actions. Well, that's not true, I have a hundred excuses, but none of them are valid. I made some huge mistakes in Florida and now I am living with the consequences. I know that Marc will never forgive me, nor will I ever forgive myself, and living with that is killing me.

In those moments in Florida, I wasn't thinking about Marc, or myself. I don't even know what I was thinking. I sure didn't enjoy myself...I think I knew all along that I was a pawn, or at least I figured it out very quickly. I think that I was just ignorant enough to believe the words that were said to me, the promises made. I couldn't have imagined someone taking advantage of me like that. It doesn't add up, but it has become painfully true. There were so many single girls down there, girls that I saw proposition this guy. But somehow he chose me, despite the urging of a friend of mine to just leave me alone. I had no idea what was going on and that this dude had a plan. I just knew that I was very nervous about the wedding, had feelings for someone that I didn't quite understand, and didn't know how I played into all of that. I think the only excuse for my behavior that is truly valid is that I am an idiot. I had no idea what was going on around me, had no idea how Marc really felt about me, had no idea how this other guy really felt, and was just sort of in a dream-like state. I actually have a lot of trouble with memories from that trip, and the choices that I made were very unlike myself. I don't know what the heck came over me, but it did.
I think that accepting that I made poor choices is the first step in recovering. I did some horrible things, though none were done with malice or intent to hurt. I really was leading a different, more glamorous life than my own, and I got totally caught up in it and forgot my priorities in life.

So here I am taking responsibility. I heard all the right words from someone and I jumped at the chance for happiness. I forgot that anyone can say any words that they want, but Marc and I had built up years of trust and acceptance for each other. I just made the wrong decision. At a crossroads, I turned the wrong way, and waved "bye bye" to all those things that have been important to me for so long. I screwed up, big time, and I am trying very hard to come to terms with that. It isn't Marc's fault because he didn't come down and visit me, I should have believed in the love that we had. It isn't the other guy's fault either. Despite the "crazy" he was feeding me, I should have been strong enough in my beliefs to pass up even the greatest opportunity.

I don't know how any of my loyal readers fell in love, but I seem to fall in love very quickly with little thought. With Marc I was lucky. We already had a wonderful established relationship and he came into my life with the right words at the right time, and I even had a dream about us being together (not that dreams should count, but I often look at them as fate pointing us in a direction.) Our love-relationship wasn't nearly as good as our friendship, I was much too emotional and possessive, I didn't understand what to do with my feelings. After years together we finally made the decision to make our relationship "official" and I was as happy as I have ever been, though I was still quite emotional. The same thing happened with the other guy, only on a much more accelerated pace. We had a friendly afternoon (his personality was that of Marc's but he doesn't hold a candle to Marc on his best day) and he said all the right things and I totally thought that maybe fate was telling me something, as I'd been dreaming about him the nights before (it was weird, all the things I had experienced with Marc had this guy's face in them instead-it was very upsetting). Its just a ridiculous pattern that I follow, only this time I got really burned and ended up falling for a guy who was totally worthless and hurting (as well as losing) a man who is wonderful. He's far from perfect, but he was mine, and I was his. And we shared a life together. Not a great life, but our life.

So today I sit here wishing that I hadn't made some crazy decisions and that I had gone with my gut instead of going on a whim. Going with my gut has often hurt me in the past, but going on a whim...wow, that killed me. And has hurt me for my future as well.

So there it is. I did it. I messed up. And I have to live with and I am sorry that my idiocy and poor thought processes affected so many others. I never really thought my actions through, and I'm forever ashamed of those choices. I made the biggest mistakes of my life and now I'm paying for them.

Stormy Cottage

My first night in the cottage was very stormy, both inside and out. As the rain poured outside, my tears poured inside, as I spoke with someone who had greatly changed my life in the last few weeks and months. I came to realize that although this person is a someone that I care for and don't wish ill in life, I want nothing to do with him and the pain that he caused me can start to heal. It was very refreshing actually, to speak with someone who has caused me so much pain. I never realized what I had with Marc until it was gone. And I would have never realized how messed up I was inside if it weren't for this person. A friend recently told me that some people are like leaves on a tree-they are only there for a season and a reason. This is so true. This person came into my life and my life is now in shambles. But from that wreckage I've found how important I need to be, to myself and to others, and how, although a perfect relationship doesn't exist, it shouldn't take forever to know if you are in love. Its ok to be Kate. Its going to take a while to learn that, but if this jerk hadn't come into my life and helped destroy it, I may have never found it out.

I miss Marc so much. Why does hindsight have to be 20/20? He is such an important part of my life and I'm dying inside without him.

Move Out Day

Today I'm sleeping at my new place for the first time. I've got to leave in a few minutes and I'm not sure when I'll get email over there, but we'll see.

Today may be one of the worst days I've had in awhile. I can't even describe it.

I'm "home"

I got to the old house at about 3 am. It was really hard to be here, especially without Marc. He'll be here today, and I'm sure some awkwardness will ensue while I continue packing my belongings.

I really screwed up big time. I had what I wanted, what I needed, and I just couldn't accept it. I just can't accept any form of happiness.

On My Way Home

Today I hop on a plane and head back to Maryland. Its been great to be here with Lindsay and her son, but I really need to confront my problems and get back to my own life. I'm really not looking forward to that because I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life, but I will seek a lot of guidance on my journey to wholeness.

I just miss Marc so much. I keep hoping that I'll wake up and this will all have been some horrible nightmare and I haven't actually left for AMO school yet. Yeah right, that'd be really nice huh? That this is all just some sort of diasaster and that I'm not a stupid idiot that can't make grown up decisions on her own. Ok, I'm just self-depricating again and that isn't going to help my situation.

I read a great book this weekend. Marley and Me, which is a book I'd been coveting for awhile. Its about "the world's worst dog" and its the tale of this man and his family and their 100 lb crazed labrador retriever. It was so enjoyable and such a fun read. Its definitely great for any dog lover, but the story is good for everyone as well.

Well, I gotta get going. Need to finish packing and get on the road to the airport.