This & That

Not much to report. On Saturday I had a pretty busy day that did not include running (shame on me) and then a "surprise" birthday party for my friend's 1 year old daughter (very long story but I basically brought the party to the house, and it was just me, my friend and her daughter, but it was a good cake and beer party!)

Sunday was a trip to Kings Dominion, which was pretty fun. I rode a lot of rides and got soaked on a couple of them and then felt like I was wearing a diaper the rest of the day, because I didn't bring a change of clothes because I am a.) forgetful and b.) lazy as sin.

I'm in a class this week so I'm having an interesting work week. I'm taking a presentation skills class and today was the first day. I did a little introductory presentation that was videotaped and then we all watched it later on the tv. Wow-I look a lot different than I think I do! For one, my hair is just crazy-I'm going to have to take a little better care in the morning. Two, I looked really heavy and I think it is because my clothes are just so baggy and big. Eww. I also hated my voice...I really need to work on my self-esteem. I have a little more confidence, well, a lot more in the recent months, but with that new confidence I didn't know what to do with the attention gained from it. So its sort of a double edged sword.

I'm very excited. I'm meeting Sarah tonight for the first time. We've "known" each other online for about a year, and I feel guilty saying that I've just been so busy in that year that I never made an effort to get together. I'm looking forward to our dinner and what I'm sure will be lively discussion. I'm also doing a book club tonight, so we'll see how that turns out.

Well, I had better get going to the library for the book club!

Suggestions Please!

I need some suggestions for some purchases I'd like to make in the coming weeks. Please leave me a comment with any ideas!

• Digital Camera: I'm looking for a good camera as I live in such a pretty place and need to take some nice photos of the area. Plus, I love to take photos of my sweet, sweet kitties. I'm looking for something that is least 4 megapixels (though more would be great) and I don't want to spend a ton of money. (we have the technology, but we don't to spend a lot of money)
• Computer: First of all, I'm trying to decide between a laptop and a desktop. I currently have a laptop that seems to be good for a couple of things...email and blogging. It doesn't have much "umph" to it. I am looking for something that has some sweet graphic capability as I love to play the Sims 2 and it seems to need a lot of power to get it going. I really don't know if I should get the laptop or desktop...I have room for either of them and its not like I can't live without the gaming capabilities when I travel for work (even for three months in San Diego...I bet I can find other things besides the computer to keep me busy, though it won't be surfing in January)
• Verizon cell phones: I will soon be getting a new cell phone plan and with that will come a new phone. Any thoughts?

I realize this is nutty that I'm asking for these opinions, but I'm just interested to know that people out in "blog land" think about these things. Doesn't blog land sound like a really boring amusement park? ( I wanted to call it Peter land, but blah blah-I'm ripe with Family Guy quotes this evening)

I must share the fun I've been having today. I saw a bald eagle and he/she was just hanging out near the dock by my house. I kind of felt peaceful having him watch over me while I was reading my book and crabbin' (I got two, not enough to even waste the time cooking so they got a reprieve). I also discovered VH1 Classic. They managed to play one of my favorite U2 songs (I will follow) as well as some wonderful Cure, Depeche Mode and They Might Be Giants Songs (shout out to Marc!) The song that really got me "rocking" was Constant Craving by K.D. Lang. Come on-who doesn't like that song? Its just fantabulous, and I don't care if no one agrees. I've always enjoyed it.

I'm also excited because as I am on a tv kick today (for no other reason than I can be) and I've decided to check out Fuse tv's Pants Off/Dance Off tonight at 10 pm. I saw a little bit of it on Best Week Ever while they were mocking it, but I just have a feeling that I will throughly enjoy it. I'll be sure to report how much fun it was. It better be fun or I'm going to be pissed.

I Wish My Mom Could Hug Me

I'm having some trouble taking full breaths right now because of the tightness and pain that I am currently holding in (ok, the tears are streaming down my face, but I refuse to scream as I am at my desk at work) from the phone conversation I recently had.

As I thoroughly enjoy torturing myself, I called Marc today because I saw him yesterday and felt uncomfortable with the way I left him at the gym. To all my friends: You were right, it only hurts to call him and he isn't making me feel any better or helping me to work through this pain. To all his family: You were right, Marc and I shouldn't be together, our six years weren't worth a crap and I quote Marc "I put way more into the relationship than I ever got out of it". That's just glorious isn't it? I hope everyone is just so happy that it went to crap. Now Marc can "swim to safety" with the assistance of his lifeguard team (oy) and I can move on with my life as well. Or at least attempt to stop holding on to the memories that brought me so much joy (and pain) over the last several years.

I made a big mistake in Florida. Multiple mistakes in fact. Marc says that I can't call what I did a "mistake". He says that I intentionally went out to ruin the wedding and to get it all called off because I was unsure, so I can't call it a mistake. Here's the definition-I think what I did was a mistake, or series of mistakes.

mis·take (noun)
1. An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness.
2. A misconception or misunderstanding.

I'm writing this so it can become painfully clear to the world (actually I'm sure everyone else has seen it for so long) that Marc has no intention of ever forgiving my mistakes and that I am not worth the time to try to rebuild a realtionship together. I'm just not worth it to him. He's been "trying for 6 years". Complaceny isn't trying. If he wasn't happy, why did he ask me to marry him? Why did he buy me the most beautiful ring in the world and surprise me? I'm actually asking myself these questions because these are the doubts that I had in Florida. I doubted his love for me, I figured that I had forced it all, that I didn't actually deserve this man to love me, that I wasn't good enough for him. I've always been one for self-fulfilling prophecy, so I guess I went for it. I proved that I wasn't deserving of his love. I proved that I did need more attention than he was willing to give me because I felt abandoned down in Florida, as he was unwilling to come and visit despite my willingness to pay.

So I made some terrible mistakes. But apparently we were both so unhappy in the relationship that it turned out to be the best. So his family should thank me for saving them for the horrible divorce that naturally would have ensued as I wasn't worthy of their golden boy. So many of my friends are disappointed-they know how much I love Marc and many of them felt that we were a good match. I guess we were all wrong. I know that if the tables were turned that I wouldn't be happy, and I'm sure that there would be a ton of tears, but I wouldn't give up on Marc, even though I too felt I put way more into the relationship than I got out of it. Can we both be right?

I guess at the very least we helped the divorce rate. Marc was willing to give us a try, but I guess I just couldn't handle the risk. (despite me telling Marc that everything would be ok)

I could just die though, reading our blogs, looking at our wedding book, seeing my beautiful wedding dress-I loved that man with my whole heart and gave him everything I had to give. Emotional wrecks just don't have a lot of good to give.

I've got to stop wallowing. Its become painfully clear that there is no hope and as much as it kills me I've got to stop banging my head up against this brick wall because it HURTS.

Old Habits Die Hard

I'm sure that I am not the only one who thinks that they have overcome a bad habit, only to find that it is facing them once again. When I went to FL, things really changed for me (other than the obvious), and I found that I really liked the fact that I was exercising regularly, but there was no guilt involved if I didn't. I was also eating appropriatly, if I went out to dinner it was a long evening, where I really enjoyed the food and the company, if I stayed in it was healthy fare. Now I'm back "home" and I'm finding that I'm reverting to the old habits as 1.) I'm lonely and bored 2.) I lack motivation and 3.) My old routine is gone and I'm left with randomness that I don't enjoy.

I am not training for the marathon as I should be. I'm so frustrated by all of this, and I need to just get over myself, my sadness and my laziness and just do it. This was my goal for so long-to finish the MCM and I'm just not trying. Its like I want to prove that I can't do it because I am so depressed and hurting without Marc. Its ridiculous-so many people would say "I'm going to prove that I don't need him, his training tips, his company; I'm going to do this on my own." I just don't want to. He was my better half, he kept me grounded and I find myself just lonely out there. I'm sure if he reads this he'll laugh because I loved running alone and didn't actually like running with him. This is true. I liked to be by myself when running and then regroup with him at the end in the satisfaction of our accomplishments. The alone time was the only time away from him-now that is all that I have.

As for the eating. I'm just so damned bored. I am doing fine on my weight, but I've definitely gained a little since my starving post-Florida physique. I bet if I just ran most of my problems would go away, but I also find I'm snacking on candy and sweets all day (re: I have 4 cavities that I'm getting filled on Wednesday) and that just isn't helping.

Argh, I need some motivation. A friend suggested that the motivation be that I eventually have to get back out in the dating scene and it would help if I looked good for that. That makes me want to eat even more because I don't want the dating scene. Ever. I am looking forward to a life of spinsterhood, so I better just eat up and plop down on the couch.

Quick Updates

• Went to the doctor today and had some tests run. Preliminary tests say that I am a-ok, but I'll find out the rest on Monday. I never thought I'd be living this life, that's for sure.
• I'm at work and there is no one here. I'm new enough on this job that I don't really have the capability to be self-sufficient. I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave early, and that sucks because I don't have anything to do anyway-except cleaning and who wants to do that? Yuck!
• Tomorrow I have a 7 mile run and a birthday party to go to. The party should be fun, the run will surely suck.
• Not much else going on. There's a big celebration down in St. Mary's City this weekend (the Govenor's Cup) and I might go to that with a couple of friends, but who knows? I'm not really into the big drinking to get drunk and farting around lifestyle (I had my fill in Florida and learned some valuable lessons)
• Hope you all have a nice weekend. Unless something stellar happens I probably won't be updating!

Give me just a second and I'll be alright

I gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta make it, gonna make, gonna make it through
I'm gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta take my, gotta take my mind off you

Give me just a second and I'll be all right
Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart
Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay
Just another day and then I'll hold you tight

When your love is pouring like the rain
I close my eyes and it's gone again
When will I get the chance to say I love you
I pretend that you're already mine
Then my heart ain't breaking every time
I look into your eyes



All I can say is that love sucks. I want every day to get better, but it doesn't. The pain isn't stopping, the hurt isn't stopping, the love hasn't stopped either. I wish that I could just let it all go and accept my fate, but I can't. I'm one of those people that just can't "get a clue" and see that the fat lady has sung.

Judge Not

I'd like to put a little something "out there". I've been hearing about what I did, and why I did it, and what I said after all this crap happened while I was in Florida, and all the things I said are being used against me now to talk about what a liar I am. Do liars tell the truth, when everything they want is on the line? NO stupid, they don't. (I'll answer that one for you.)

As for my motives for what happened in Florida. I proposed a couple when I first got home. 1.) Maybe I didn't want to get married in front of a bunch of people that didn't support us anyway (we know who they are-they are the ones that are being super nice now) , 2.) Maybe I wanted an out from the wedding and couldn't see another way, 3.) Maybe I'm just that stupid, 4.) Maybe I wanted something irreversible that couldn't be taken back and I'd play Marc's hand. Was it a conscious decision? How the hell do I know? DO YOU THINK I KNOW? DO YOU THINK THAT I EVEN KNOW NOW? It's amazing to me that conversations are had that come to explain why I "did what I did" and that everyone says "well, she said this, but then she said this". Is it not painfully clear that I was confused? Is it not clear that I am still confused because I want to be with someone who doesn't give me the time of day and barely thought I was worth the effort (to those I told the story it turns out "he figured it would work out ok but that it would be pretty hard, but he was willing" which isn't much better than "it was worth a shot". )

I guess everything does happen for a reason. I wasn't supposed to marry a man who didn't think that I was worth it. I wasn't supposed to marry a man that I made so unhappy and in turn, he made me unhappy a lot of the time. Both Marc and I are supposed to be with people that make us better, that make us whole, not that break us down and offer insecurity. I thought that even after all the crap that Marc and I had been through that we could do that for each other. I really wanted to be the wife that he deserves, I thought that I could be, I guess I was wrong. I couldn't control my fear and emotions for 8 weeks. I did need his support to get through that time, and even though he offered it, it wasn't enough for me. I'm so sorry for that. I needed more. I needed reassurance that I wasn't the only one that had faith in us, and tonight I found out that I was right. That I was the one who had to take all the responsibility when the shit came flying down.

Hopefully I'll be smart enough to take this down before too many people read it, but at the same time, I don't care.

I loved Marc, I love him, and I wish I could take back all the pain that I have caused him over the years. And I wish that I could have a lot of the pain that he caused me taken back as well. I wish I'd never spoken a harsh word, or heard one myself. I love that man with all my heart...but my heart isn't enough, and his isn't enough for mine. And that really makes me sad. Because I have always loved him with my whole heart and soul; as screwed up as they were, I gave them ALL to him.

The Joys of the Internet

Last night I was on MySpace (which I hate) and someone left one of my friends a comment that had a silly picture on it. I typed in the URL to the picture and found this marvelous site. Now, most of the cats look pretty happy so its kind of cute. Two of my other favorite sites are Kitten Wars and Cats in Sinks.

All those cats are great, right? Well, if anyone ever has countless hours to spend on the internet (uh, I do!) make sure to check out this website about Oolong, this sweet little rabbit whose owner took pictures of him with assorted wares on his head. Its not so much that the bunny is so cute with the stuff on his head, its how much this guy really loved this bunny. For Oolong's site you might want to use Babelfish to translate some of the stuff. (Note: this site is also fairly useful for creating your own Engrish.) The guy also has another rabbit on the same site (Yeubing) and that site is in English because of the popularity of Oolong.

Not much going on here with me. I stayed up super late last night Waiting for Guffman (well, it felt like that) and then fell sleep after eating a donut and ice cream. No more bad food! I'm feeling like a fatty though I haven't really gained weight, I just feel icky. I attempted my 5 miler last night, but it was so hot at the drill hall that I just did 3 and I'm going to do the 5 tonight at home since I finally found my wrist GPS. The heat here has been ridiculous and I'm just plain sick of it!

Watched a lot of tv while waiting for no one to ever show up. Watched a hilarious episode of South Park that had us rolling on the floor laughing. Then I was introduced to the mediocrity of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which I thought was semi-humorous, but it could have been that I was too tired. I finally realized what the lame music from a now defunct radio station (Z-104) was in the background during their less than humorous recap of the day. It was the damned CYE theme music (and the last horse finally crosses the finish line).

Alright, I've got to get to work.

Assorted Whatevers!

Ok, I'm going to the dentist today and I'll surely update you with how it went because a.) I hate the dentist because they always bitch at me and b.) they really have a reason to bitch at me this time because I have been an extra terrible flosser lately. I have a feeling that I have another cavity as well, and that just makes me super happy too!

Another thing to comment on. I found out yesterday that they will no longer be sending interns to AMO school. I was in the last class that went. How fantastic is that? I had to go to this school, though I wanted to stay home and be with my sweetie before the wedding and now its not even a requirement. That damned school changed my life completely-not what I wanted, though I acted in a way that says otherwise- and had I stalled to get out of it I would be a happily married woman right now, living out the dreams that I held onto for so long. ARGH!! I guess it goes back to "everything happens for a reason" and damned fate, but I'm still pretty pissed off. All signs pointed to "don't get married." I was just reading the wrong signs. Those signs were for someone else, not for me!

I'm thinking of taking a self defense class here on base. I had wanted to take one before I went to school but I couldn't get all the classes in before I had to leave. (wish I had!) I think it would be pretty beneficial.

I ran 3 miles last night and it was HOT. It wasn't so bad. Have a 5 miler tonight and then I'm going to stop by a softball game on the way home (its adjacent to the gym, otherwise I wouldn't even stop by) and then I need to get some reading done. I'm reading the book Wicked for a library book club and our meeting is in a week. I'm sure I can get it done, but I'd at least like to get started on it.

Ok, I'm off to the dentist for pain and suffering!

It's Tuesday!

I guess that's something to celebrate. I haven't done anything exciting, but I feel like typing this morning, so here you go you lucky readers, you. This is how freakin' boring my life is and you get to experience it.

I ate venison burgers yesterday. And on the way home the deer (that are always threatening me with their hefty car-denting bodies) were giving me dirty looks. They knew what I had done, and I'm a little fearful that they'll do a little payback to me on my run tonight.

I also played a little bit of tennis yesterday and then was nicely asked if I'd like to be a "judge" instead. Screw you too. I'm not very good at any sports (I was good at basketball as a kid because I was taller than everyone else) but man, making me a spectator after 10 minutes is a little rough. My job basically entailed stretching on the sidelines and getting eaten alive by bugs. Obviously I didn't enjoy this demotion and left after a couple of minutes.

I don't know if I've told anyone about my fun Nintendo DS game Brain Age. Marc bought it awhile back and then recently got me a copy. Its a fun little "train your brain" game and it evaluates how "old" your brain is. When I first started I was like 48 years old, and now I'm down to 23 years old (a score of 20 is the best-if my brain was at its best at 20 years old then we're in big trouble). It's a pretty fun game and it makes me feel pretty bright, so if anyone is ever super bored (and a fan of Nintendo) you should check it out.

Well, that's about it. Not a very exciting life that I am leading. Still need to steam clean my carpets, but I'm still a lazy son of a gun, so its not likely that it will happen super soon. We'll see though!